Leaving a part of me here in this blog of mine. Years down the road from now, I will read through all my entries and I'll come to see God's guidance and love in my life. And I will thank Him for having you, my friend, cross this path of mine.

Fav Qoute
If ever you may have a big problem, don't say, 'God I have a big problem!', but instead; 'Hey Problem, I have a big God and everything will be okay.


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 Caroline aka Cai Ling

Have walked the Earth for 20 years

LOVE God, family, friends, art, animation, sunset, rain and travelling

"John 15:9-17"
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."


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*|Monday, October 08, 2007|*
*|Sorry for crying

Sorry for running away to cry. It's just that most of the time I felt that I am not part of the group at all. You guys are the filmmakers. I am the animator. I can't help but want to go help out for you guy's shoot but I don't know anything. I feel pretty useless, hanging around the set, blocking the way. And if you guys have noticed, everytime I just turned up uninvited. I just don't feel like I belong. I just fet I am not needed and actually to say the truth, I really am not needed at all. Its ust me wanting to be part of it and yet not really being part of it in the end. As usual, it's because I am the odd one out. All I know how to do is animate, sit in front of the computer and go clicking away.

Yesterday when you guys started talking. Straight away I felt that I didn't belong there. It's like everyone is talking about each other's shoot and I just don't know what you all talking about. I was not there. Most of you were there at one point or another. And I just felt pretty much outcast from the group. What can I say? I don't know anything. I don't know what happened. I was not there. So I walked away saying I wanted to do digital painting. But actually I just felt that I had to go away. I can't stand the feeling of being neglected. I being through that when I was young, when all my parents or rather mum did was to care for my brother. And once my godfather said something. I know the first sentence was a mistake but still that hurts a lot. He said " Don't have to bother about Caroline. " and realising what he said... He said again " I mean, don't have to worry about her. " It hurted badly. I was pretty neglected by my parents. You know, just because I aced my exams and tests, does not mean that you don't have to bother about me. I still need some hugs. I needed encouragement. But everything went to my brother. All I could do was watched from afar and wished that it was me.

Very sorry that I ran to the room to cry my heart out but it just that it was very overwhelming when all the hurtful and being neglected stuffs from way back just came flooding back all at once and ad on to it, what that was happening then. I actually started tearing wen I heard them mentioned that the 6 of them are a group and I knew that the six they were mentioning didn't include me. It's just sad to hear them chatting so happily about it and I felt like I am invisible. Its like what happened in the past, my mother and my brother. My mother said she loved him more than she loved me. I was like primary school then and I heard it being said to my brother twice on the same day and they knew that I was there but somehow I felt as if I was invisible then. Am I really that bad? Am I really that useless and worthless? Am I really so unlikeable? Am I really one that no one will bother about and forget?

May things have happened since I was in kindergarten till now and I been trying to get over it. If it were not for Jesus, I would have fell into depression when I was a kid. HE was the only one who told me that HE love me and I could felt the love. I can't see it but I knew it was real. I knew I was not dreaming. I know many people don't believe in God but going through all that when I was young. I really have no doubts that God is real. Thinking back now from kindergarten onwards, my mother had hugged me once and that is all. No other words. No other gestures. Many more disappointments. The only one who kept me standing, who picked me up each time I fell, who helped me get back on my feet is Jesus. I kept all these inside me for more than 10 years without telling a single soul. That was how long I kept it inside me without any comfort from friends or family.

I was not able to say anything to you all yesterday. I didn't know how too. All I knew was to cry. That sadly is the only thing I know how to do best. That was my way of trying to free myself from all these, to cry till I fall to sleep. It was quite bad yesterday that I wished I could just blend into the wall and be part of it. I know it is all very stupid. You guys didn't mean it that way but it's just hurts to hear it. Just hurt to feel not part of you all guy even though I try. And I don't think I ever will. You guys are film makers. I am animator and one that is not good enough.

Just want to say sorry to you all for not telling. I just don't know how to say. I will usually type it out in words. That is why I have a blog. Just very sorry for all that yesterday. It wasn't any of you guy's fault so don't say sorry. I know the problem is me. I have low self esteem and all that. I have been trying to get over my past experiences for years and till now I have totally got over all of it yet. If any of you happened to read it, I want to say sorry and thanks for involving me in sometimes. If none of you all happened to chance upon this, I will just let it stayed that way. Hope you guy's asian film history presentation went well even though you all just started working on it this afternoon.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 6:49 PM|*
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