*|I am thinking, thinking, thinking
Its kinda late now. Just finish watching the vcd tat my godsister lend me. Its a show about beach volleyball and about love and four clover leaves. Its a great show... not draggy, very straight to the point. Love watching shows with happy endings. Fel so happy for the characters. I feel as if I am one of them. Haha LOL. Without this vcds, I guess I gotta return to the boring old days of slacking at home, dun have anything at the moment to spice up my life. Haiz~ sad case!
Anyway was viewing the photos taken during xmas production. Saw my church frens... They are like family to me, my beat pals ever. I am glad they walked into my life... I cannot do without them. Luv my church frens. Looking at the photos, I can still recall those funny moments during rehearsals and how Karin, the director and the rest of the crew tried to make my character as blur as ever. They succeeded in doing it and some say it is because I am blur in the first place. Hey I AM NOT BLUR... well a bit. Haha... Miss xmas rehearsals and xmas play. Really hope we can put up another skit this december.
Haha talking about december, I wonder how church camp will be like this year. Haiz~ Dun think I wanna be group leader anymore. I am not spritually strong enough to lead my group and I get too demoralised easily. Think I either help out in the comittee or be just a camper... but I really hope to be in the committee. Haiz~ Thinking about it reminds me of the "roadrunner" t-shirt. I havnt draw out a design yet. No inspiration for now... I kinda preocuppied with other personal stuffs. Life is always full of ups and downs... For me, I am in the down part now. Cant wait to get to the up part, if only I can make things clear. Erm... kinda not talking sense right now... Haha, guess I go do my wishlist now. Since I am so free nowadays, I might as well fulfil some of my childhood wishes.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 1:30 AM|*
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*|Tuition
I just had a chat with Alex. Alex is one of the new campers for church camp last year. Haha The funny thing is tat I looking for students to teach tuition to so tat I can earn bit of money and just now when Alex asked me to tutor him, I said no problem and decline his offer to pay me. LOL... I wanted to earn money and when the opportunity comes, I decline the offer to be paid but tat cos he is my friend. I just dun feel like charging him even though tutoring a J@ chemisty can actually bring in quite a lot of money. Haha Very glad to have a student. Will help him in his chemistry. Haha... I really am a werid person. LOL
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 1:51 AM|*
*|My thoughts
Came home from Terence's 21st birthday BBQ party cum chalet. Didnt stay over. I was thinking if I am 21, how my wishlist will be like. I realise my wishlist consists of many things tat money cant buy. Many ppl will wan expensive jackets, wallets or clothes during their birthday. But for me, instead of a jacket, I would defnitely prefer a long hug from someone I love or just watching the sunset or wishing on a falling star. I will want to see the beauty of nature, the animals runnin g about freely in the meadows, children laughing and playing with one another or even hear the birds sing their beautiful songs. These things happen very often but when did we ever have the time to just sit down and appreciate it. I really wonder how come we can take such beautiful things for granted.
Anyway, Hui Ting, Yi Hui, Ran Xing, Mei Yan, Kai Yu and I went to the bedroom to play cards durnig the BBQ. Hui Ting did sth fortune telling thing. She wanted us to think of 3 ppl of the opposite sex and 1 of them hav to be someone very impt to us. Well... I thought of the guy again. And it turn out quite accurate except for the hardworking bit. Haha he hardworking... LOL. HE IS SO NOT HARDWORKING! Actually all of them know this guy but they just dunno who I am refering to cos I didnt wanna tell them. The only person who knows is Hui Ting. Her guess is correct. Haiz~ Kinda miss him. Really dunno wads up with me, I decided long ago that I forget about him and treat him as my fren only but recently almost every little thing remind me of him ver since I seen this photo of him and my fren on the online photo album. Wonder how he s. Haiz~ I am so screwed.
It is so confusing... Do I or do I not like him? Do we have a future together? I really really wish God tell me about it. Really wish God tell me. Haiz...
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 1:48 AM|*
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*|Kids nowadays..
Today is Yi Xuan (my god niece)'s birthday. Now she is 2 years old... still very young. My gosh, she destroyed her birthday cake, well almost not totally. Wad a relief ! Haha While having her picture taken... She ate the chocolate bits. ARGH!!! Damn GROSS! Her saliva! Wads more... those birthday cakes for children have miniature toy figures made up of sugar. ARGH!!! Yo Xuan, Joshua (my god nephew) and Jonathan (my god nephew too) pluck it out and played with it as if it were a real car. ARGH!!! Their fingers are covered with saliva. Haiz~ kids. I dun rmb myself destroying my own cake with saliva... Haha but in the end, I still ate the cake and their saliva I think. OH MAN, Tat is gross but its in my tummy now. Haha and the cake is DELICIOUS (not because got their saliva but cos it is an ice cream cake) !!!
Anyway, I watched American idol 4 just now. Haha This reminds me of an sms tat I send my frens. Only 2 of my frens, Hui Ting and Kai Xin fell for it because they didnt scroll down and read the whole sms. This is how it goes " I'm going 2 L.A. nxt mth. Give u my no when I get there. Hope I c u before I leave, sorry 4 the short notice, I hav no choice. They one to have me as... (followed by a blank screen then...) THE AMERICAN IDOL!" Haha this sms is so lame!!! Couldn't believe my fren fell for it after knowing that I am such a lame person and I am not tat rich to go L.A. I dun mind going there but tat is only after money start falling from the sky. Haha.
Oh I almost forget about this. When I left my god family's house, while I was opening the gate, sth fell on my arm and its a LIZARD! DAMN GROSS! STUPID LIZARD! ARGH!!!!!!! DAMN GROSSS!!!! Wad is it about insects tat they seemed to love coming near me and disturbing me. I HATE INSECTS! I not afraid of only a few insects. Haha still rmb once there was a mini mini, super mini fly tat was bugging me. I chased it away with my hand, wanting to giove it a chance to live but it keep coming back. In the end, I killed it with a smack... not with my palms of course but with a toy crocodile tat I borrow from my god nephew. Oops, I didnt tell them I did tat. Neither did I clean it before returning to them. Oops... Haha
Haha I havnt blog for quite long. Busy clearing cupboards. Finally, I managed to touch the keyboard. Haha Its kinda weird dun u think... When we are schooling, we keep using the internet everyday. But now, when we have no school for more than 6mths, we hardly touch the computer. Must be reverse psychology! Haha... Shall go clear my hotmail inbox and watch more vcds now :P
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:11 PM|*
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*|Sadness...
Haiz~ look thru my pervious entries... Haiz~ guess blogging is a way for me to pen down my feelings. At least I feel better after tat. Was looking at my fren's online photo album and I saw this photo. Haiz~ I cant believe I wish I was there with tat person in the photo... was bit jealous tat my fren get to take a photo with tat person... This is bad. Guess trying to forget a person is really difficult. ARGH!!! I should stop thinking about tat person HAIZ~ But somehow I fail to do so.
Haiz~ Realise tat many of my recent entries is about God. Guess with life being less busy, I have more time to think about God, life and me. Recently, I accompanied my godsister to Jurong East cas converter. I was sitting beside 2 guys who are very deep in conversation. Overheard one guy saying that he is a christian and he envy people not because they have money but because their life is very smooth-sailing. At that point of time, I really wanted to tell that guy that I prefer to have a rough-sailing life. Christians who have rough sailing lives are usually the ones who Satan sees as a threat and that is because the person is doing God's work. Only then does Satan want to create havoc in that person's life, causing it to be rough-sailing. Sometimes I am really glad tat bad things happen because thru all these incidents, I see God's love and grace more. And I am glad Isee that.
Haiz~ Still thinking about the person. Guess some of you know who is it... some of you don't. Haiz
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 2:54 AM|*
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*|I Miss Fullerton!
Was chatting with Serene just now. She want to work at Fullerton as it is her DREAM hotel. Haha I ended up tellinh her all about my job as banquet waitress. Somehow no matter how I complain about it being a tiring job and all tat, I realise I actually enjoyed and missed working there (tat is cos my name is not on the duty list 4 2 whole weeks liao due to them having fewer banquets and wanting only those "super super experienced, work for long time liao" staff). I missed the beautiful ballroom, the lights, the candles, the music, the dance floor. Enjoyed working with Shan Bin, Hui Ting and Yi Hui when our tray jack were just beside one another. It was so fun working together. Enjoy working with Chin Boon (Ang Chin Boon not Lim Chin Boon) who was super gentlemanly. Enjoy chatting wth all my other frens. Love it there and miss it a lot! I must really thanked God for telling me have this job. Every time I work, I feel happy cos every wedding is a happy ocassion. HAHA... wish all of us (Hui Ting and the rest and me) can start working there again!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 1:08 AM|*
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*|Sadness and anger
Damn irritated... cant even type in peace. My father staring at the screen. Cant u all just leave me alone and let me be. I am so pissed. Very upset. My mother broke her promise. She told me that once I clear my "going to be mine" bedroom, she removed the photocopy machine but today she said that the photocopy machine will remain in the room cos there is no space in the living room. Like there is any space in my bedroom. WADS THE PT OF GETTING MY OWN BEDROOM WHEN THERE ARE 2 FREAKING BIG CUPBOARD WHICH I CANT REMOVE, A STUPID "OUT OF THE PLACE" PHOTOCOPY MACHINE TAT HAS TO REMAIN IN THE ROOM, A DOUBLE BUNK BED WHICH I CANT PLACED AGAINST THE DAMN BLOODY WALL EVEN THOUGH THERE IS A LOT OF SPACE COS IT IS, IN MY MOTHER'S OPINION, OBSTRUCTING HER FROM CLEANING THE BLOODY WINDOW, A TABLE THAT I WILL HAVE TO USE WHICH IS AS SMALL AS THE CLASSROOM DESK COS THEY DUN WAN TO WASTE $ BUYING A NEW TABLE FOR ME. Wad kind of room is this. Is it even MINE!!! I hate it. I want my own room. A room filled with my things, a room which I wanna decorated myself, a room which I can hide in in times of sadness and anger, a room that I wanna call my own. This room is not mine... dun hav my things, dun hav my style. It is not mine. Wad kind of badroom is it if I cant even relate to the things inside. IT IS NOT MY ROOM. I always dun get the things I want...
When I was young I wanted to learn piano, I wasnt allowed to. When I was young, I wanted to learn to dance, I wasnt given the opportunity. Now I just want my own bedroom, my very own, one that I lock myself in and cry my heart out when I am sad and NO I DUN GET IT. I ALWAYS ALWAYS DUN GET THE THINGS I WANT! Things tat mattered to me like music and dance. Things I wanted so much. They are my passion and just like my room I am not allowed to have them my way, my style. Now I regret not fighting it out ... regret not fighting for a chance to learn music, to do arts, to learn to dance. Now when I am older, I want to major in the performing arts, media area and I dun hav a skill in it. I regret not fighting for it cos it means a lot to me and my future. Now I dun think I ever get it...I am so useless. I cant even have my very bedroom, a room that I call my own. All I hav is a cold, unfeeling room, one tat is not mine (I dun mean it in a physical sense). Even such simple stuff, I cant even get wad I wanted, wad I desire. I dun even hav to mention life which I cant control at all.
I hate my life. I hate hate living my days not knowing wad is ahead of me. I know wad I want to be but yet I know I can never have it. I can never achieve it. All it can be is a dream. Tats all... It never be reality. I hate this world... everything needs money. Money was the reason y I cant learn piano. It is the reason partly why I cant learn to dance. It is also the partly why I cant get my own bedroom with my own taste and style. I hate money. I hate life!
But to say the truth... Wad I want most is still to be with God. Nth matters as much as this.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:38 PM|*
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*|These few days...
Today is Si Hui's 19th bday. We went to Swensens. ERM... I havn't being there quite some time. There were only a few of us: Dennis, Cedric, Hwee Min, Hwee Shan, Ri Xin, Hui Nan, Pei Shi, Yvonne, Si Hui (bday gal) and me. We ate quite a lot of stuff and baked rice came with a free gold rush. YUMMY!!! Gold rush is really really nice. Hee hee... We took many photos too with our camera phone. Goodness... Yvonne and Ri Xin took a photo in the gal's toilet. Goodness... oh well... They were really crazy today. Haha It is a mini celebration :) Had lots of fun there. After tat, Cedric, Pei Shi, Hui Nan and I, we walked to this place to eat XO fish slice bee hoon (rather near Bouna Vista MRT). Its great though I dun really like the XO smell. Haha... talked a lot today. Haiz~ Didnt go Pei Shi's house today. Was too lazy. Went home instead and then to my godmother's house play with Joshua, Jonathan and Yi Xuan. Haha.
Oh yesterday I watched this show, "The proud twins" on channel 8 from 1045pm - 0045am. It was their 1st 2 episodes. My gosh... damn funny. Was laughing thru out the whole show. Haha cant believe tat the main lead (dunno wad name) is very cunning. Cheated this dumb fisherman. Haha super lame, corny and damn funny. Love tat show. But so sad... It is only aired on TV evert wednesday from 1030pm to 1130pm. Haiz... Guess I gotta wait till next week b4 I can start watching it again. Very w0rth watching.
Actually these few days I got nth 2 do. Went shopping with my frens instead like almost everyday. But the shopping trips were really productive. Buy 1 shoe ($17.90) and 3 tops from this fashion($41). I agree tat sometimes the clothes in this fashion isnt good but some clothes from there is really nice, of good quality and not ex at all. I kinda shopping for mature looking clothes cos wel... starting my TA (teacher assistance) job in BBSS (bukit batok sec sch) soon at the start of april. Need to look older so tat the students will respect me as a teacher assistance and not see me as a fellow teenager. If they do, I have a lot of problems getting them to obey instructions. Haha... for the time being... Shall work at fullerton and continue to look for part time jobs! If anyone know of any part time job... PLS TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! Haha :)
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:37 PM|*
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*|I am the dumbest person ever
Today is the worse day ever. I quit being a tutor. As for the tuition agency... well she is damn pissed off with me. I really cant take it anymore. I dun wanna lie. I dun wanna lie to the parents. I told Si Xiu and Ri Xin about it and they told me to tell the truth. It was only after the tuition tat I given to another kid tat I start to think more about it. Told Jing Ting about it and eventually broke down when she talked to me on the phone. I guess I broke down cos I kinda already know I shouldn't do it. I shouldn't lie. The whole day I just hav e feeling tat I should quit... It is like someone keep on whispering to me constantly to quit. But it is only after all e day's events tat have passed tat I started to really think and reflect... This really reminds me of a passage I write from "The sacred romance"...
"But sometimes in the night, when our defences are down, we sstill hear it call on us, oh so faintly - a distant whisper."
Finally quit with Grace jie jie's help. Wad a big relief... though at first was really scare and all tat but finally calm down. Glad tat Hui Ting not angry with me. YEAH!!! Next stop: bartender job... here I come! :)
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:10 PM|*
*|Today
I decided to continue working at Fullerton but only on Fridat and Sunday nights... the other days, I have to teach tuition. Went to work at Fullerton today and guess whi my partner was... Ang Chin Boon again. This is the 3rd time liao. Haha... Actually very fun to work with him. In btw all those waiting time, was chatting with him and all tat. A very gd partner... will help me take hot plates and pre set. All I need to do is help him top up the guest's drinks and clear. I was quite slack in a way and wadsmore it is e 2nd time, out tray jack is near the place where we dump all those eaten food and dirty plates and it is also near the pick up point for the pre-sets. Love tat area. It be even better if the bar was at ballroom 1. Haha. I am very fortunately to have him as partner. Then that captain (dunno how 2 spell his name, he is my fav captian... a very good person) keep on making fun of us cos he keep see us chatting. LOL! He (the captain) so OUT OF POINT LOR!!! LOL. Haha he say next time put us together again. Haha I dun mind... Chin Boon is a super gd partner. Haha Chin Boon was thinking today whether I will end up as his partner and whether we be near tat area and in the end, it really did come true. HAHA LOL!!! But there is one thing I notice, he always like to eat those extra food. He will always always always offer it to me. He say he... ok I dunno how to say it in english... let me do a direct trabslation then) He say he wei4 wo3 zhao2 xiang1. Headache ar... Everytime I have to think of a gd reason y I dun wanna eat. My policy is to never eat food not meant for u and tat includes extra food. I will stick to tat always! PROMISE!!! I havnt touch any extra food yet! YEAH!
Oh and I got a job as a tutor liao. Call up the tuition agency that Hui Ting recommended to me. Within less than 24hrs, I got a child under me. He is pri 4 but he dun hav the basics for English. So I hav to start teaching from pri 4 work. Oh well... no choice. Tutor him 4 times a week. Each session is 1hr and a half. Pay is only $250. That is super little. Calculate it out ... It is only $15.60 per lesson but oh well... It is much better than Fullerton liao. The only reason I decided not to quit in the end was cos I have frens there. Oh well... Tml I have to start tutor tat pri 4 kid liao. Must plan my lesson now.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 2:43 AM|*
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*|No God, no me
I dunno wads up with me but recently, I have been spilling the beans to my frens about wad tat is bothering me constantly for years. I am listening to the song "Constantly" by Zoegirls and the song really speaks out to me. I would not be me if it weren't for God. God, thank u so much for loving me always! Cant do without You, cant live without You. If there is no You, there will be no me. Thanks for guiding me thru e storms and staying by my side.
"Constantly" by Zoegirls
Constantly You said "Come to me, if you're weak"
"I won't look away & I will keep you close"
But the closer I get the harder it seems
I find myself pulling away from all of the things I believe
Chours:
Lord, don't give up on me, it's You I need
So let your love rain down upon my soul
Filling up the deepest hole
I still love You so
I have tried to cross this river wide
And even though the storms were raging high
I could see Your light shining constantly
(I could see morning light shining constantly)
Constantly, You were always there
You said "Lay it down. give it up"
"I will understand no matter what it is"
But instead I face failures & constant disbelief
That you could ever love me knowing the secrets I keep
Lord, don't give up on me, it's You I need
So let your love rain down upon my soul
Filling up the deepest hole
I still love You so
I have tried to cross this river wide
And even though the storms were raging high
I could see Your light shining constantly
(I could see morning light shining constantly)
Constantly, You were always there
Despite my broken heart & shattered dreams
Lord, Your right there reminding me, reminding me
Oh, I have called to You in time of need
You let Your love rain down upon my soul
Constantly You let me know, I still love You so
Oh, I have tried to cross this river wide
And even though the storms were raging high
I could see the morning light, shining in the sunrise
Constantly
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 2:40 AM|*
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*|So so peaceful!
Haiz~ For once, I dun have to work late at night. It is not 12 midnight yet and my whole family is asleep. As for me, I am typing out the minutes for the youth committee meeting while listening to the ZOEGIRLS cd. Feel so at peace now. For once life is not like a meaningless routine of working late at night, go home sleep, wake up late cos sleep late, then slack for less than 5hrs at home then work and the cycle continues. So happy, this saturday starting my paino lessons!!! YEAH! Love it here... so peaceful and so quiet. Haiz~ Shall enjoy this moment while I can. Haha... Attendin a wedding this snuday. For once, I dun have to serve during a wedding, I can wait to be served! YEAH!!! LOL... ok no more slacking, back to typing minutes!
Oh I almost forgot. PEI SHI IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hee hee... oh yah, got a really cool bday present from Hui Nan, "Sacred Romance". Shall start reading it tml! YEAH!!! Have always love reading christian books but cant seemed to find them in libraries. Si Xiu lend me a book called "The prayer of Jabez for teens". It is real good. Learn lots of things from there. Hee hee... ok back to typing minutes!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:51 PM|*
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*|New Year
Havn't been blogging 4 a long time cos of work. I had a bad New Year eve n a not too bad New Year Day. Firstly, on New Year eve, I broke my contact lens, my shoes' straps broke and I lose my water bottle. Bad luck comes in three. How true can tat be. Hui Ting, Kiwi, Shan Bin, Yi Hui and me decided 2 stop work at 1130pm so tat we wont miss e countdown at the Esplanade but... It was pathetic, we had our countdown at the traffic light outside Fullerton. It was a real funny sight seeing the cars blast their horns together. Haha Anyway after tat, we went to Kiwi's house watch vcd and stay overnight. The vcd was about this vampire. A very lame crappy movie but I ended up sleeping haf way thru the show. Was too tired. Wads more I ate a bowl of maggi mee b4 tat and it was great. Haha.
New Year Day I went to work. Whoa... was very puzzled when I went to collect my uniform. Was given a long sleeve white shirt and a vest instead of the usual black jacket. Ended up looking rather western. I went to the ballroom after tat and the whole table setting is like alien to me. Never see it b4. Found out it was a VIP chinese wedding and tat everyone and I really mean EVERYONE is rich. Haf way thru the briefing of duties, the bride and bride groom's mother walked in and started scolding the captain, demanding for the bar to be set up. Demanding tat we start serving at the foyer immediately (tat for cocktail by the way). U know wad... they changed the wedding from 7pm start to 6pm start and they didnt tell the captain. My goodness, we dun even know exactly wad we have to do. All we know is tat we have to get ice and water for over 200 water goblets!!! It was a frantic race for ice. Worse still, one of the ice storage box dun hav any ice at all!!! But in the end, we found ice and done all tat had to be done.
The bride is a canadian and the bride groom a chinese. The bride's relative flew all the way here just to attend the wedding. RICH!!! The way they carry themselves... WOW!!! The wedding ended really late at 1am and the only transport home was at 330am... PHEW! luckily, they managed to book earlier transport at 230am. At least, I can sleep a bit earlier. Actually slept only about 3hrs plus. Oh I forgot 2 mention the couple had chocolate fountain as part of their menu. Chocolate fountain is actually Fullerton's chocolate buffet. Those guests are damn lucky!!! I had more fun watching them dance on the dance floor after all the eating then serving. Wish I could join in the fun and dance along. Haha LOL but guess tat is impossible. Wad a way to celebrate new year day. 1st day of the year and instead of enjoying it by slacking I ended up being stressed. Good thing the captain (dunno how 2 spell his name) is gd. He rmb my name and sometimes chat wif me.
OH TAT REMINDS ME OF STH! GUYS!!! In Fullerton they have video cameras placed at the ceiling so tat they are able 2 tell when to bring out wad food and all tat. During one of the speeches given by the bride's sister (Oh did I tell u their sppeches were really funny and interesting), whoever is controling the video camera, focus the whole screen on her and zoom in till they saw her boobs. MY GOSH! Then the other male chefs and even the captain was like tilt down and wadever... GUYS! Sometimes I really cant stand them.Actually to say the truth it was a rather interesting new year day. Haha
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 4:15 AM|*
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