*|Mission trip
Today I went for mission trip meeting and well I am determined to go. Though part of the trip is each person conducting a class in chinese... and yup I ought to be scared cos firstly me lead a class, secondly in chinese but surprising, I am not afraid. The peace I had in my heart comes from God and I know He see me and the rest through this whole mission trip. Can't let Satan frightened us off or stop us from doing God's works. Can see Satan at work already...
Really have to pray that Ophe sees that the fear in her heart is Satan's attack. I mean she was so excited about the whole trip and today during the meeting, it was like almost a 180 degree change in heart. I hope she sees that fear is just something Satan uses to prevent us from doing what God wants us to do. Satan places insecurities in our hearts, lead us into thinking we canot make it, we are not up to it and all that. I gone through all that. Took me more than 5 years (since pri school till now) to realise that. My childhood was one big mess and I back then put on so many masks, trying to hide my real self and I am really glad that through it all, God is there always picking me up and bit by bit, the masks crumpled. Now I am my true self, no longer trying to hide and pretend. No longer letting the fear and insecurities eat me up.
I guess in a time like this we need lots of prayer for the misssion trip. Really short of manpower. Only 3 of us is confirmed going... Hwee Min, Pei Shi and me. Actually mine is not confirmed... rather I confirmed it myself that I am going but that is because each time I tell my parents I am going, they didn't reply much. All I know I have to pay for the whole trip by myself and well its $450 plus and now I am saving money like mad. I dunno how I am going to come up with $450 by then. The latest reply I got from my dad was not a good one. He was like "Thailand? Got bird flu still wanna go?". Erm... Thailand got bird flu meh? I don't think so. I dun want all this to stop me from going. I know that God wants me to go. Really excited by it all.
I must believe in God that I get to go. Everything is possible through God... That is what Hui nan said and I totally agree. God can and will do everything or anything so long as it is in His plans. Oh... I almost forgot have to pray for Ri Xin too. I know she wants to go but that May period is busy for her. So glad that on the day we leaving for Thailand mission trip, her last paper ends that very day in the morning so she can go!!! Pray that Ri Xin can go for mission trip if that is what God wants her to do and for Hui Nan too.
Am listening to the song "How great is our God" by Chris Tomlin if I am not wrong. I just know that God will not allow all these obstacles to stop us from spreading the Truth, from sowing the seeds. Will there be any harvests? There might be. HEE HEE!
Looking back at what I writen, I only can say one thing, I dunno who I am writing too. Sometimes it seems like I am talking to myself, other times I typed as though I am talking to someone about something but it doesn't matter. My writing style doesn't matter. What matters is the mission trip and most importantly, God too.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:26 PM|*
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*|Thanks to God...
I am very sad now. Her I am 20 years old and there are things that I wished I was able to learn when I was young like dancing, acting, ice skating, playing musical instruments etc. But I didnt accomplish any. All I have is unfulfiled dreams. Will they stayed that way? I only have 3 more years before I have to work. By then, where will I get the time to do all that. I envyed people who get to dance, ice skate, play instruments all their life. Maybe I am not born for all this. When I was young, I remember sking my parents to let me learn them but the answer was no. I can still remembered how sad I was and how I wished upon the stars thinking that they come true but till today, none came true. I want to go learn all these but I am in need of money and of course, I am not going to ask my parents. I dun wanna be called as a girl who only know how to ask for money. If only my parents knew how much I wanted all these but they would never know. I am not close with any of my parents. After all that happened all these past years, it is just hard to communicate with them.
I guess the only person who understands me, who knows my desires will be God and I wish He could tell me right now what to do? Am I to give up all these childhood dreams? Only God knows and I wish He reveal His plan to me soon but of course God do things at His own timing, not ours. Guess the only thing I should do right now is to trust God. He knows what is best for me and when is the best time to have it. If ever His plan do not include all these, I will be very upset but I will give them up.
You know, sometimes I feel that I am talking to myself when blogging and talking to God too. And I know God is here beside me. He is the only one who can dry my tears, take away my burdens from my heart and replace it with peace that comes from Him, makes me smile and then make me tear again but this time, they are happy tears because He cared for me. He picks me up when I fall. He is always there beside me, never leaving my side. And best of all, He loves me for me, not for the way I look or act, but love me for me.
I guess in a way it does not matter how many more times my parents or friends may hurt me by their words or actions because each time that happens, I become closer to God and He teaches me something each time, making me a better person. I am glad. Haha... I really talked a lot. Now, I guess I am not sad anymore. Thanks to God.
Thanks to God...
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 1:13 AM|*
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*|Help...
Haiz~ In a financial crisis. I spend money on shoes this month but that is because I really needed a pair of shoes so for that, it is ok. My brother's birthday is coming and seriously I dunno what I am going to buy and hoW I am going to pay for my ice skating lessons. I am not going to ask my parents for money that is for sure. Going to bear the cost by myself. This also goes for my mission trip. Pray hard it is not too ex. Let me see... Each week I get $40. $20 supposed to be for savings the other $20 is for meals in school. How I shall spend my money... $5 for offering as usual and I guess I probably cut down my food expenditure to $10 or less.
Guess I got to go back to my JC save money plan. Breakfast eat at home. Lunch either eat cheap food or don't eat. Sigh... I cant say I don't wanna eat cos my class we always eat together so if I don't go canteen with them, it seems like I am anti-social. So I guess I really have to eat sth. Maybe I shall eat fruits. Try to keep budget below $1.50 per meal or $1. Tough but the only way is this I guess. Haiz~
Is it meant to be? I dunno. Lost and confused and what's up with my nose. I am not having a flu but I keep sneezing on and off. Has my nose become very sensitive. I know my ear became super sensitive... That is why I kept wearing only silver 925 ear ring. I cant wear my own handmade ear ring. This is so damn irritating.
I dunno what is wrong with me. Nevermind
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:02 PM|*
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*|Slack
Suppose to be doing homework but I ended up watching vcds. Haiz~ SOMEONE STOP ME from slacking!!! Haha... Today after watching a few of the vcds, I noticed in the show that the sky was so blue and the trees were so green, I thought it is impossible for it to be really that rich a blue or green, I though the directors probably use a polarizer or something. Haha and guess what when I was walking down the pathway today, I looked up and wow... The sky was that blue and so were the trees, they were so green. Nature is so wonderful. Haha Nothing is impossible with God being the creator. Never notice it so blue before.
But now it is night and once again, I wish I was laying down on the grassland and looking up, seeing all the stars twinkling in the sky but sigh.. I am here on my desk doing homework. Oh well... I shall just continue dreaming like I always do.
Yeah! So happy that Xiu Jing wanna join ice skating, so is Ophe... Now I need one more person. Shall wait... shall wait. Erm... why didn't Hui Ting sms me back. Sigh... I guess I am not going to see Hui Ting, Tin Song they all anytime soon. We always never get to meet up. Miss them and wanna chat with them. Ok back to homework now. Slack too much today...
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 9:37 PM|*
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*|Sigh...
Sigh... Ophe found out about the ice skating course. But trying to get 4 people cos it be xheaper than.. $120 per person for a group of 4-10. Now only got Ophe and me, well actually got Ophe's fren but she having 'A' level this year so her friend might not want it. I really wanna learn ice skating and then advance o figure skating. I dunno why but I love all these... I sounded like I am deprived from any art or music but I was when I was very young. All I did attend was a drawing class and I remember drawing a flower and colouring it yellow. Sometimes I wish my parents could send me to a dance school or music school when I was young but they not interested in this whole art area. I guess I am the only person who is interested in all these in my family and it is just so dificult to tell them I wanna join all these courses etc cos partly they dunno what it is and partly because of the money.
If I really going to join ice skating then I guess I pay the money myself. Dun wanna burden my parents but learning this is seriously going to burn a hole in my pocket/ bank account. Really should consider if all these is worth it. But I really wanna learn... I already didnt get to learn dance and piano when I was young. If I not oignt o learn now, there be no time for me to learn when I am working as a adult. I dun wanna be sad each time I see someone ice skate or play the piano or act. Am I really not fated to have all these?
Only God knows... Dun wanna talk about it anymore. Just thinking that I dunno how to dance, act, play the piano and ice skate saddens me a lot. This is how I felt more than 10years ago and till today, it is still how I feel.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 2:58 PM|*
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*|My dreams...
I am just looking back on my life and its getting pretty good so far. Haha... I have still some things I wanna do or learn. Let me see... I have yet to learn to dance (hip hop, contemporary, ballet), ice skating/figure skating, acting and playing the piano (maybe I should really go for piano lessons, nono more like someone should made me practice more, haha). Erm... I can learn ice skating in year 2 once I join ice skating club. Hey I wanna join this year sem 2 but the person in charge of the club who promised to email me back didnt email back. If not I would have learned a bit of ice skting now. As for acting, I shall wait till HL805 Drama: From page to performance is up on the prescribed list of AHSS electives officially. I really hope it is really what I ever wanted in terms of learning acting skills. Erm... I guess the only thing I managed to learn is animation. ONE DOWN!!! I really like performance arts!
Everytime I see a performance, I ended up wishing that I could be like them. I love doing all these but the problem is the opportunity and my courage. I just wonder if all these things that I want to do what God wants me to do or He rather I do something else. I dunno, I really wish I can dance properly right now. Guess I should really stop watching movies that has to do with dance and skating or even music. It just make me wanna go do the things I wanna do. Sigh... I really have to go work part time to earn money for all these classes.
Ok enough about all these. Time to hit the homework!!!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:04 PM|*
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*|Sentosa!
Suppose to be thinking of my poster poem and patterns now but I am slacking. Its almost 1230am soon. I better think fast and do it quick before I fall asleep.
I went to Sentosa on Valentine's Day. Needed to find inspiration for my 4D photography homework and wow... I really had a wonderful time there though I am by myself. I saw the sunset and though it is not my first time seeing it but it is definitely the first time I see such a beautiful sunset. All that vibrant warm colours of red orange and yellow and with a bit of purple, pink and blue. It just took my breadth away. Its just so amazing. I sat there at the edge of the rocks watching it go all the way down and of course from time to time took photos of it. I really don't know how to describe the sunset because it is way too beauty. God really knows how to create beautiful things, doesn't He?
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:26 AM|*
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*|It is so tough...
I must be dumb and stupid to ask my dad to help fix a problem. Basically, asking for trouble. Just got scolded bloody hell and was called an idiot. I am not an idiot! And my dad said all I know is ask for money. Who said so! So basically to him I must be not much of a daughter but a person who exploits his money. Is this what I am a rude selfish girl!? I didnt even ask him for money when I buy my own cd, my own bag or clothes or shoe cos the previous one who spoilt. Sometimes I pay for my own medical bills and my stationary set and art stuff and even my own korea trip expenses. WHY?????!!!!! COS I DIDN't WANNA TAKE MONEY FROM MY PARENTS! I DIDNT WANT THEM TO HAVE TO WORRY BOUT WHETHER THERE IS ENOUGH MONEY FOR EXPENSES! So which part of that makes me a girl who only asks for money. Maybe I should stop asking for money for bus stamp all those. I pay using my savings. U know wad, I pay for the mission trip too. It is not like my parents actually care about me as a daughter. When I got 3rd in level in sec 3, when my mum told my dad about it, my dad got angry cos I didnt get 1st. I already did my best and there were times my dad was angry with our results and without seeing that actually it was good, just literally covered the grades and signed it and started scolding. So much for being my dad. U DON'T EVEN KNOW ME. I am sick and tired of being called idiot and all those. I am not worthless, I am not useless, I am not someone who behaves like an animal which is what my parents said when I was young. I am not all that. It hurts each time when I hear that being said to me. And I didn't caused the whole faily to be like that. I am not the reason why my brother behaves the way he beahaves. It is not even my fault but my mum once said that all to me and before scolding me, my brother actually used the F word on me and call me a bitch. I am not someone you all can hurl your hurtful stuff at. Each time I had to deal with it and it is getting tougher evan now. I am practically in tears now. My family just don't care about me, t is not like anyone love me here. I am just a selfish rude girl and someone who treats my godfamily nice but that is because they treat me nice. No one ever in my godfamily said hurtful things to me and they can all see who my parents care for most in my family... my brother. I am just a nobody and maybe will always be one forever.
My family was never there for me even on some prize givings ceremony. I see all the other parents holding on to the camera taking photos of their child and there I was all alone wishing my family will be there but as usual I was always disappointed, no one was there. What joy is it to receive a prize but if no one in my family to share it. If they cant be there for me phsically, they won't be there for me emotionally. Even at times when I broke down and was stressed, the only one I had was God. God was always the one by ny side. He never leave me. If it weren't for God, I probably be some depressed child. I know God wants me to love my family but sometimes it is just so hard. Everytime when things seems better I get hurt once more. But I try my best to love those who hurt me deeply. You know, before this incident with my dad happen. I was doing the discipleship and this is what I read from my bible with regards to Exodus 9:1
This was the fifth time God sent Moses back to Pharaoh with the demand to let his people go! Moses may have been tired and discouraged by this time, but he continue to obey. Is there a dofficult siyuation you must face again and again? Don't give up when you know what is right to do.As Moses discovered, persistence is rewarded.
I know what I have to do but I can't do it on my own. Have to rely on God. I just wish it wasn't that hard but it is. I wonder how I am going to do my homework in this state. Probably cry myself till tears are dry while doing homework.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:08 PM|*
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*|I wish... I dream...
I just realised that tomorrow is Valentine Day. Haha... So caught up with school work that it slip my mind. I still remember each Valentine I would go out with either my church friends or sec sch frens but this year I don't think so. Don't see the point in going out to Orchard and see couples and their public display of affection (not every couple does that but some). Lol I just can't stand it and it gives me goosebumps.
Doing the Saartje Baartman thingie now and sigh... Its tough. Sometimes I wish that Singapore is as beautiful a country as the other nations. If only there were mountains and valleys and meadows and pasture here in Singapore. I would love it. Guess there isn't. Well, I can only go to these places in my dreams, laying on the grass gazing at the stars and seeing things in them. If only I could really be there. Enough dreaming for now, time to go study.
I am glad that God gave me a mind of my own and an imagination because it is only then that I can go anywhere I want and the only limitation is my imagination. Haha... Am I making sense? Well, I really dunno how to put it in words. Guess this will do. Haha
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 9:50 PM|*
*|The many thoughts that I had today
I feel very guilty now... Was complaining and talking bad stuff about my supposedly "close" frens. I know I should not do that but for once I just wanna talk about it... I have been keeping everything inside me and I know that if I dun get it out soon, I might just explode one day and say stuff that are really hurtful. I dun wanna do that. I just wish my "close" frens can just stop the way they acting but really who am I to judge when in the first place, I have done what they done before. I just payed that I will not be like that anymore.. That is not the way Jesus will want me to behave. I am suppose to love my friends the way I want them to love me.
Haiz~ 4D lessons... Sigh... it is horrible. Dun wanna talk about it. I am glad that well, out of this, I actually found one true friend in class. Tracey! Sigh... shall not talk bout all this cos I probably get more fed up as I type n let hatred n anger take over me. No I don't want that. Learning to let go and loving and trusting others... I know God is teaching me that. He has for a long long time and it is not easy. He gave me a really tough situation to deal with, my family and I really had to rely on God because without Him, I would become so down, so fill with hatred and anger. Quarrels and arguments in my family really affect me a lot in all aspects... I can still remember how bad it was but really relying on God... It makes everything more bearable. It gives me a whole new viewpoint to the whole situation at hand and I learn many things. I definitely learn not to take things for granted and really be thankful for what I have.
Somehow I am glad that I have a blog. At least, I am open to share it here and probably the things I said here, I guess my sec sch frens and my jc frens never knew about it cos I dun tell them. When it comes to my family problems, my frens I am sure never hear a single word about it. Partly cos I will usually end up breaking down so I didnt wanna mention it. But I am glad that I start to be more open to my church frens, at least we can support each other in prayer. Prayer is so important. Just wish that I stop being nervous when it comes to speaking aloud. I always want to say my thoughts but each time I did I got so nervous I forgot what I wanna say and start cutting some parts out. That must really learn.
Today Rev Zhong (Erm... I hope I got his surname right??? Oh dear, it seems wrong) asked us what we are afrad of most. Well, I am afraid of being further or leaving God cos I cant imagine my life without Him. Rev say there was a person who was afriad that his/her family is not saved. I am very afraid of that too. I really want my family and friends to be saved. I really want them too. During Sunday school, we were talking about Mother Teresa and how she helped the poor. I was thining the poor need Jesus but actually the rich need it even more and it is even harder for the rich (some, not all) to accept Jeus because well, they have money, they can buy wadever they want and in a way, most will think why do I need Jesus, I have money, successful career, fame etc. Well I think sometimes we christain only remember Jesus when we are down, we tend to forget Him when we are happy and life is smooth sailing. I admit too that sometimes I forget. Well I guess the rich (some rich ppl, not all) does not see how Jesus can be part of their life when they dun have much wordly troubles (refering to money, materialistic stuffs etc) but how about the spritual bit? I think we have to reach out to them just as we reach out to the less fortunate cos really it is those rich and famous that influences the thinking of the youth espcially the actors and singers like that. The rich and famous... their actions are always copied by many cos many just wanna be like them. They think it is cool and that it is the in thing but is it the right thing? Is it how Jeus really want us to think, feel and behave.
Well, that are just some of my thoughts. Mission trip is coming and I wonder what God has installed for us and the people there? It probably be amazing as always. After all the person we talking about here is God, the creator of this Earth and us too! I have said this many times but I shall say again, GOD IS SO GREAT, SO LOVING!!!
Thank you God for all that you have done for me. Thank you so much.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:05 AM|*
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*|tummy ache
I had a terrible tummy ache. This goes to show never drink cold drinks before hot meals. Glad I am finally alright now... well almost. Finally can start with my drawing homework! I really like drawing classes though it is really tiring to stand and draw for 4hrs but hey it is fun. Ok homework time! Time to go set up easel. Listening to the demo for the Les Choristes OST and I really like it just that no money to buy. To listen to the sample, click on this link...
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002OWY3K/103-8962241-4958245?v=glance&n=5174 Sigh... I like it, their voices are beautiful.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 7:51 PM|*
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*|For Him, I must
Today in class, I feel ignored. My good friend well she ignored me and when she spoke to me, she was harsh. I feel I am no longer in my circle of good friends in school and I probably right. How many times have I walked with them as a group only to be right in front by myself or right behind following them. The answer many. What they talked about, only they know. I have no clue and well they tell my other classmates what is going on, as for me, no one bothers. You know what, forget it. I don't care anymore. And what happen today I was right because my friend just sms me to say sorry for being harsh to me. Well, nevermind I don't care anymore.
Maybe that is why I don't have any real friends other than some of my church friends because I don't wanna trust people. Each time I trusted someone, I ended up getting hurt. Today its like my friend vent her frustrations on me and it reminded me of yesterday incident. Its not the first time someone vent their anger or frustrations on me. Well, my mother did that, my dad and my brother too sometimes. I remember my church camp 2 years ago, my best friend just totally got angry with me and ignored me. And for the first time, I wantted church camp to end early. I wanted to go away. I wanted to leave it and well she apologised for it on the last day and to tell the truth up till now I dunno why she behaved that way to me. I was badly hurt. She was my best freind. I had another best friend too... I feel like I am losing them though I see them frequently. Maybe it is just me.
Looking back at all that I typed, I see my old self, the cold and withdrawn self that I used to be. I dun wanna be that way. Just last week, had my first discipleship lesson and I know that I wanted the discipleship course to transform me to be a better child of God but I seem to be further from it now. I dun wanna to be back to my old self but I can't help me. What am I supposed to do. (1) Continue trusting and let myself be hurt or (2) withdrawn myself so I won't be hurt by anyone? Haha... It seems like God is telling me now there is option (3) Let it all go and still continue to love my family and friends no matter how I am treated. I guess I choose (3). It is tough but come to think of it, everything will be ok eventually because no matter what, Jesus is by my side. That is all I ever need. Even if everyone leaves me, it is ok. Jesus will still be here. He is the only One who can make me smile even when I am sad. He is te only one who is really there by my side all the time. He is the only one who knows my troubles. He makes life worth living. For Jesus, I must pick myself up now. For Him, I must.
To my friends who happens to read these few entries, don't worry I am alright now. My tears are gone because Jesus just make me smile.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 3:15 PM|*
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*|It dosen't matter anyway
I am upset right now. The only thing that kept me going is knowing that God cares. All the hurt and anger that I have felt for the past few years... I let it go last year but it has all come back again. Why does it always affect me so deeply. I hate it! I hate it! Its just that so many things happen and though I trying to ignore them but today I just couldn't. Its just like wad happen a few years ago. Its hard growing up in a family like this. Sometimes I really feel like escaping from all these and live in my own world. All that hatred is coming back to me again and I don't want me to be my old self. Dun wanna be a cld person, don't want to box myself up and bottle everything inside of me. I know Jesus don't want me to do that and I don't want it but I can't hep it. I wish I had someone to talk to right now. I dunno why I blogging all these here but nevermind... it dosen't matter anyway. I dunno how I am going to do my homework when I am like that, guess I just live those blotches of tears on my art work and tell the teacher I just creating a design. It dosen't matter. It dosen't matter anyway.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:12 PM|*
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*|Discipleship
Went for discipleship class today, the very 1st lesson and realise that speaking up is not really as bad as it seems. Well, today before lesson ended, Rev Chin asked for prayer requests and Hui Nan said hers. Well, instantly something came to my mind and it stayed there in my mind for the whole day. In the end, I told her and surprising, I felt relieved as if the pressure is off my chest (erm... is that expression right? like a bit wrong, oh well, my English is not that good anymore). Well, I had a prayer request that I didnt say, didn't think it was that important.
Sigh... I am really afraid, kinda of. School work is really increasing rapidly and I can hardly cope with the amount. But the worse thing is it takes up so much time that I practically have almost no time for God. I dun wanna go throught that phase again this semester. I know how bad it was last semester when I keep getting stressed up and breaking down suddenly many times. I was tired physically, emotionally and worse of all spiritually. This semester, I can't let it happen again. I am glad that I prayed about it and well I felt God's presence and I know He will always be there. I decided that from now on, I do QT first before I start homework. Shall set aside time for God instead of making use of the time I have for God before I sleep if I do homework first which is basically no time for Him cos by then, I am just too exhausted. God always have to be first, nothing else should replaced God.
Still remember today's lesson when Rev Chin asked us why we wanted to go through with this discipleship. I only had one answer and that is I wanted to have a closer relationship with God. The rest is not as important as God. Haha... I realise something, I can't stop talking about God sometimes on my blog. He is just too wonderful and amazing. He never fail to surprise me. Haha. I love my life and I am sure it can be even better when I have an even closer relationship with God. I am sure. Haha Shall stop talking now and do my QT and then start doing my dreaded homework! :D
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:49 PM|*
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*|Really tired...
I am exhausted. Went to City Hall after school and walked all the way to Raffles Place and back to City Hall again. In between the walk, Firdy and I kept taking photos for 2D. I havn't done any 2D homework. So screwed... Just really exhausted pshyically because of the lack of time in doing homework during the CNY period and ended up having to do homework late at night. Super super tired.
Sigh... This Sat Ting they all meeting up. Once more I cant go that is cos I am going to STPI, this print company. Its kinda a school thing, not compulsory but I really wanna go there and if Ting they all meeting in the afternoon, I cant meet up with them. But even if they meet in the evening, I can't too because I got CNY dinner in church. Sigh... I really wish I can meet with them for a church or something. It is really time to catch up with one another. Have not been in touch for very long. Oh well... Guess its too bad for me unless God can somehow make things work that I get to do hw, go STPI, meet Ting and the rest and go for CNY church dinner all on one Sat. By the end of that day, I will reallly be exhausted. Ok Shall not type anymore, really really have to go do my 2D homework liao. Night!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:11 PM|*
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