*|Say goodbye to UK
Reading Shi Qi's blog reminded me of the exchange programme. My dean emailed me saying that he has a spot for me in University of Hertfordshire. He asked if I would like to go. I remembered weeks or maybe months ago, I kept checking my email rather frequently to see if my INSTEP exchange programme got accepted. Hertfordshire was my fircst choice. It's a school in UK and Jit and I applied for it. I got rejected in the end so did Jit. Thus, it really came as a surprise when the dean asked me.But I ended up rejecting the offer. It was tempting no doubt but Jit and I had an agreement that we would only go if there were 2 places for us. But it's too expensive anyway. I can't believe I gave up this opportunity. Then again, I can't imagine 5months without my family, friends and most missed of all, Jit. The other thing holding me back was my piano lesson. I just started piano for a year and if I were to stop for 5months, I think when I start playing again, I be really bad at it. Furthermore I will be getting a piano soon and letting it rot for 5months is really a waste of money.
Anyway, it's all over now. I had already said no. And what the heck am I doing blogging this down. I have to go do digital painting liao. NO!!! SIAN! Ultimate boredom and tiredness. I am ill. My nose is blocked. I am tired. I am covered in bruises. Haiz
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 2:40 AM|*
*|MADNESS! What timetable is this?
It's madness. The timetable for semester 2 is out and OH MY GOSH... ARE THEY MAD. Most of the modules I want to take and some of my core modules are 730-1030pm. 1030pm is really late and imagine what happens if the lesson drags on to about 11pm. My last bus home is 1130pm! I got a feeling I have to stay overnight at Jit's house for many nights next semester since his last bus is so much later than mine. It is ridiculous. How am I suppose to pay attention and concentrate on what the teacher is teaching from 730-1030pm. It is so late! This is really outrageous. Next semester I think I will turn into a panda. ARGH... It's 230am. Clock's ticking. I better start work on my idea for digital painting final project. I am so tired!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 2:25 AM|*
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*|Dumbest mistake ever
I am so tired right now. I was working on the walk cycle, improving on the one I did for my previous assignment. OH MY GOSH, how dumb can I be. I spend hours trying to get it right and it is only after 2hrs plus, did I realise that my arms are not moving correctly. When the left foot is in front, the left arm is in front. This goes for the right arm too. No wonder it looks off. No one walks like that. We swing our arm in the opposite direction from our feet. I AM SO DUMB. It is really the dumbest mistake an animator can make. ARGH! Silly me!!!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:47 PM|*
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*|Sorry for crying
Sorry for running away to cry. It's just that most of the time I felt that I am not part of the group at all. You guys are the filmmakers. I am the animator. I can't help but want to go help out for you guy's shoot but I don't know anything. I feel pretty useless, hanging around the set, blocking the way. And if you guys have noticed, everytime I just turned up uninvited. I just don't feel like I belong. I just fet I am not needed and actually to say the truth, I really am not needed at all. Its ust me wanting to be part of it and yet not really being part of it in the end. As usual, it's because I am the odd one out. All I know how to do is animate, sit in front of the computer and go clicking away.
Yesterday when you guys started talking. Straight away I felt that I didn't belong there. It's like everyone is talking about each other's shoot and I just don't know what you all talking about. I was not there. Most of you were there at one point or another. And I just felt pretty much outcast from the group. What can I say? I don't know anything. I don't know what happened. I was not there. So I walked away saying I wanted to do digital painting. But actually I just felt that I had to go away. I can't stand the feeling of being neglected. I being through that when I was young, when all my parents or rather mum did was to care for my brother. And once my godfather said something. I know the first sentence was a mistake but still that hurts a lot. He said " Don't have to bother about Caroline. " and realising what he said... He said again " I mean, don't have to worry about her. " It hurted badly. I was pretty neglected by my parents. You know, just because I aced my exams and tests, does not mean that you don't have to bother about me. I still need some hugs. I needed encouragement. But everything went to my brother. All I could do was watched from afar and wished that it was me.
Very sorry that I ran to the room to cry my heart out but it just that it was very overwhelming when all the hurtful and being neglected stuffs from way back just came flooding back all at once and ad on to it, what that was happening then. I actually started tearing wen I heard them mentioned that the 6 of them are a group and I knew that the six they were mentioning didn't include me. It's just sad to hear them chatting so happily about it and I felt like I am invisible. Its like what happened in the past, my mother and my brother. My mother said she loved him more than she loved me. I was like primary school then and I heard it being said to my brother twice on the same day and they knew that I was there but somehow I felt as if I was invisible then. Am I really that bad? Am I really that useless and worthless? Am I really so unlikeable? Am I really one that no one will bother about and forget?
May things have happened since I was in kindergarten till now and I been trying to get over it. If it were not for Jesus, I would have fell into depression when I was a kid. HE was the only one who told me that HE love me and I could felt the love. I can't see it but I knew it was real. I knew I was not dreaming. I know many people don't believe in God but going through all that when I was young. I really have no doubts that God is real. Thinking back now from kindergarten onwards, my mother had hugged me once and that is all. No other words. No other gestures. Many more disappointments. The only one who kept me standing, who picked me up each time I fell, who helped me get back on my feet is Jesus. I kept all these inside me for more than 10 years without telling a single soul. That was how long I kept it inside me without any comfort from friends or family.
I was not able to say anything to you all yesterday. I didn't know how too. All I knew was to cry. That sadly is the only thing I know how to do best. That was my way of trying to free myself from all these, to cry till I fall to sleep. It was quite bad yesterday that I wished I could just blend into the wall and be part of it. I know it is all very stupid. You guys didn't mean it that way but it's just hurts to hear it. Just hurt to feel not part of you all guy even though I try. And I don't think I ever will. You guys are film makers. I am animator and one that is not good enough.
Just want to say sorry to you all for not telling. I just don't know how to say. I will usually type it out in words. That is why I have a blog. Just very sorry for all that yesterday. It wasn't any of you guy's fault so don't say sorry. I know the problem is me. I have low self esteem and all that. I have been trying to get over my past experiences for years and till now I have totally got over all of it yet. If any of you happened to read it, I want to say sorry and thanks for involving me in sometimes. If none of you all happened to chance upon this, I will just let it stayed that way. Hope you guy's asian film history presentation went well even though you all just started working on it this afternoon.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 6:49 PM|*
*|Talking back
Yesterday was Shi Qi's shoot. I feel kinda bad shouting at my mum on the phone. But I was pretty pissed. We had to bring the equipment to my room for Jit's shoot. I told my mum many times about it and she agreed that it was okay to have it kept in my room. And yesterday she just said no and wanted us to put the stuff outside the corridor. Oh come on, she didn't want my friends to bring the stuff into the house because she didn't let people steeping in. She felt that our feet were dirty. Goodness sake, she mops the floor everyday and somehow that is ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY! All that complain about being tired and not having enough sleep blah blah blah, it is all created by herself. Why mop the floor everyday? There is dust everywhere... No matter how many times you clean it, it WILL still be dirty. And it is not like it is really dirty after 1 day. We are just stepping into the house for a short while, just to put equipment down that's all. And its not like our feet were dirty. It was okay actually. Not only that, my mum has NO STRENGTH to carry all that stuff and I don't want my mum to handle those boxes of equipment. It is too expensive. If anything goes wrong, we are doomed.
Sometimes I know I should not have talked back, but yesterday I had to argue my way through. The stuff has to be in my room. It really has to go there. And the things my mum say are really illogical and it always happened at the last moment, a few minutes before you want to start working on the task. It really is frustrating times. It annoys me a lot. Whatever... I know my mum will probably start nagging all over again from later to Wednesday. The faster I get out of the house, the better.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 6:30 PM|*
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