*|I let God down. I forgot. I am so sorry.
I can't believe myself... I wrote it down in my organiser and yet I forgot. I let art history, my 3D model, 4D video and me been so tired, slept for only one and a half hour take over me. I can't believe I forgot. I wanna be there at the meeting right now but I can't even if I wanna take taxi down, my oarents won't allow me. How can I forgot... feel like I have let God down. How could I do that, I wanna go, I really do. The very first meeting and I forgot, so caught up in school that I forgot. Just feeling really awfully sad now. Don't talk to me. Not in the mood.
It's just this is kinda like the first test and I fail. Satan uses busyness to get to us and make us forgot God and doing His work. The very first test and I fail and I can't do anything now that my parents won't let me go. How could I do that to God. How could I let it slip my mind. I didn't even remember that the mission trip is today. Getting cooped in this house and feeling sory and guilty I guess is punishment enough. I am so dumb. Why didn't I just take my bag and go grab a cab... Just tell my parents I am going to church instead of asking for their opinion. They surely say can't go. Stupid me.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 7:46 PM|*
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*|Honoring parents, obeying God, small miracles
I know God says to honor my parents but it is just so hard. I mean it's so unfair. You wanna know what happen just now. I got scolded for coming home late. I was taking NIGHT PHOTOS... I said that earlier this morning before I left house and I got scolded. My mother was like whu can't you do your homework earlier. WHAT DO U NOT UNDERSTAND? Night photos can only be taken at night and well I got blamed for making her tired which exactly isn't my fault. I mean my mother WANTS to mop the floor EVERYDAY and REFUSES to use the washing machine. She thinks I had it easy, she does not know that sometimes i sleep like only 2 hrs plus. And well after that, my brother came home and he didn't get scolded wadsoever. In fact, my mother was so nice to him and there I was upset with tears running down. Its all just too overwhelming. I know my parents favour my brother. I know they care about him more. I know there is nothing I can do to change this but sometimes a little part of me just wish that they could just love me a bit more.
I been at this favouring and loving my brother issue more for years and sometimes little things like this just gets at me. Its just so many things accumulate and I know I suppose to forgive and forget. I am trying to just that it's hard. I know God wants me to open up heart and not shut it out from everything to prevent it from hurting because love sometimes hurt. Nothing costs more than loving - except not loving. It makes me think about Jesus. He was mocked and tortured and put to die on the cross and the hurt he experienced is so much greater than anybody, even the hurt that I experienced. But He did not shut his heart, instead He love them all even more by dying on the cross for their sins so that they may be cleansed. That is the greatest love of all. Honoring my parents and loving them can be hard sometimes but I know God wants me to love them and that is the right thing to do even if it hurts a lot. My heart has been like very broken for years but I am glad I have Jesus, He is gluing back all the pieces again. I am thankful for that. Couldn't have donw it without Jesus.
I am feeling so much better now. But its so late and I still have to do my essay outline. Well I have to be thankful for one small miracle. I was like looking thru the reference book in the library and I just could not find the info I need and I was like pulling this book from the shelf and I flip through it and I could not find anything to do with Las Meninas. I was lazy to check the index and I am glad there was a nagging voice inside me telling me that I should not be lazy and just flip to index and look Las Meninas up and I am glad I did cos not only did I find out what Naturalism is all about, I can finally start writing my essay outline. I have to thank God for speaking to me. I know it is Him and I am glad that I obey.
Had not suce a bad evening. Went to the waterfront and immerse myself in all that music. I did distress a little. YEAH! OK back to doing essay outline liao.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:05 PM|*
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*|Late Night performance... Fuze collective
Sigh... Got scolded again for coming home late. Hey but I already told my mum that I be coing home late... For goodness sake, I am taking night photos... shall stress on the word NIGHT! What is the point of taking night photos when it is not night!!! Sigh... Oh well... Didn't had a great time today because was lagging this big heavy bible which is for my brother. Damn heavy and I am just tired from everything. I need rest desperately! My poor back... Haiz Anyway I was looking through the programmes and I saw this lae night performance "Fuze Collective" at the Esplanade on the 30th of June, 930pm. Its by Fuze and they played at numerous events like Cirque Du Soleil, MTV awards, Zoukout and lots more. Well it sounds good to me plus its $25 only. Still thinking if I should go. I think I probably will but should I go alone or should I ask my friends... Will they be interested? Sigh... I don't know of any close friends who is super interested in all these. Guess I shall just go by myself :D
Sometimes I kinda wish I had a friend who I am close to and like stuff like art and music performances. Someone who does not mind paying to watch a good concert or something. I know my family is not this type of people. That is why I grew up without any background of art but wishing constantly that I could just study art and I did. I did and I am glad. Very glad. :D
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:34 PM|*
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*|Something even better...
I am kinda sad about not being able to be logistics head for FOC. I really want it but if God didn't give me to be, it is ok afterall God knows what is best for me. Well, Joe got the part today cos well I got to go for mission trip from 4th to 11th May so yah... I can't be the head if I go overseas. But one thing is for sure... I WILL NEVER GIVE UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO FOR MISSION TRIP JUST COS OF FOC. Well, it took me quite a few hours to be ok with it which I am cos now that I am not the head... I predict I be less busy which is fine with me cos I am taking part in photography competition and so I really need the time to go about taking photos. Secondly, I am volunteering in Singapore Biennale 2006... Get to meet artists from around the world and help out. Thirdly, I wanna take piano lessons which till now I havn't decide when to start due to some reasons. You know what, maybe it is good not to be head afterall. Well, wadever decisions God makes, I trust Him and that is good enough for me. No need explainations wadsoever cos I am sure the reason I didn't get it is cos God has something even better for me :D THANKS GOD! :D
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 8:04 PM|*
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*|TOTAL COOLNESS
Today the dean and all our professors gave a presentation on how our majors will be like... kinda like what we can expect, what we can learn and specialise. I am so so happy... Its really like a dream come true and I really wanna thank Jesus to have put me in this school. Its really so much more than I can wish for. Wow... internships, prefessional attachments, exchange programmes at USA , Europe, art festival or activities for us to take part and help out, collabrtion with Lucus Films and some many other companies plus the government as well. WOW... Who can ask for more, it is so fantastic and everyone including the dean and professors are all so excited. Haha... We kept cheering for all the good stuffs that we be getting plus our school building which we still deciding how possible is it to climb up the rooftop... what our engineering students say is that it is dangerous haha Good thing got staircase... Everything is just totally cool.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR YEAR 2... to study what I love. U know this is the first time I actually wanna go to school and study and learn. My classmates and I were like talking today, wishing that we can do away with our PE and GE and have our years of studies be extended by like 1 or 2 years more cos there is so much to learn... and to complete everything in 3 years is like near impossible. The subjects offer is totally cool and I am glad for those who are taking film making cos we got the best equipment and wow... the filom students can even hold auditions to cast people for their projects and for us animation, we can have our people helping us with sound in terms of composing all those. Its just way too cool... ULTIMATE COOLNESS. GUESS WAD... the minor for drama is now appliable to ADM students... I CAN MINOR IN DRAMA... OH MY GOSH... Its like everything is coming true. Its just totally wild. All the excitement... I really wish this semester can be over and finally we can get on with our passion. Haha... passion...
Really I have to thanks Jesus for all this, my life is getting better and my relationship with God is closer. I am glad. This goes to show God cares, He knows my desires and thoughts. He knows me inside out. To Him, everyone is important, I am important to Him. I just have this happiness in me that is just so wonderful that it is indescribeable. THREE CHEERS FOR GOD! Haha :D
GUESS WHAT, I AM GOING FOR MISSION TRIP! WOO HOO! MY PARENTS AGREE! YEAH! HUAY HOK HERE I COME! LOVE DOING GOD'S WORK! ALL GLORY TO HIM! :D
My school's FOC (freshmen orientation camp)... WOO HOO... I just might get the post as Logistics head. YEAH! The only problem I am having which I told Boo is me being overseas during 4th May to 11th May but I really really wanna be Logistics Head. Will be having meeting this Friday and be discussing with the rest. Cross my fingers and hope that I just might get the post. Oh Did I say I am going to learn PIANO!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!! And I am joining ADM music community/club! Haha...SCHOOL ROCKS!
Thanks God. I could not have done it without you. My 20 years of Earth has been great, though there are many a times when I was really down but it is ok, you are always there to pick me up. When I could no longer walk, you carry me through and I am glad I knew you. I am glad to have met Hui Nan. Cos of her and her frens, I became more serious about my relationship with you God and wow... the close relationship with you is really great beyond words and I wanna be even closer. Thank you God. Thank you :)
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:26 AM|*
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*|BGR
Erm... Today went for workshop and vice dean was talking about how he searched in yahoo about faculty test and he found this person writing a blog about the faculty test as in the qns... is it me? I dont think so I dont remember writing it. Ok I checked all my entries I did not type anything on what the questions are. I didn't know that the prof are just going to modified a bit from our qns that we got I think. Oh well... anyway I dun wanna talk about that cos that is not why I wanna blog now.
Oh Anyway I keep having friends asking me recently about boyfriends and stuff like that. Haha So I am going to say now, I don't have a boyfriend and I am perfectly ok with that. My friend, Leonard asked me what I am looking for in a guy and LOL it is the same as what he is looking for in a girl. Let's c , firstly the guy has to ba a christian that is serious about God (close relationship with God) and I guess someone who I can talk to about anything including God. A guy with a close relationship with God is definitely onw who is trustworthy, faithful etc. Haha U know what, I am not worry at all about this whole BGR thing. I know God will bring the perfect guy into my life afterall God knows best. Haha... Ok people, so now that you know what is going on in my life regarding this area, don't ask me the same qns that I have answered here. Haha
Sigh... Its so late, I better get back to doing homework.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:54 PM|*
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*|Going out
I changed and well today I went out with Hui Ting they all at Jurong East. To tell the truth I am bored and I don't really like shopping at JP and I hate the arcade. I don't understand how people can spend hours playing in there with such noisy atmosphere and sometimes a bit too rowdy crowd. And so there I was eating at KFC, not one of my fav meals at all. Don't like fast food much and then we did a bit of shopping followed by the arcade which I knew they all and I knew I just be so sian and yah I was. Ended up walking round by myself and I WAS BORED! Let me c, Terence bought for Ting and Yi Hui those fabric flower thingie... I got one of those type but hey realise just that it was a butterfly given to me by KARIN FU... Haha Thanks gal! LOL it was buy one get one free. Then after that, Jonathan they all went crazy over that stupid machine. Really it was a waste of money.
Sigh... You know what I think it is just me. Its just that I have grew out of all these and well what I like to do is not shopping anymore or wadsoever but I guess if you were to give me the freedom to do what I want... I will go to the Esplanade library look at films and movies, then go Esplanade watch concerts, performances, dances and I probably go for piano lessons, go for dance classes, learn hip hop, ballet and I probably take up ice skating too. Thats what I will love to do rather than gp JP slack. Oh well... its ok I guess. Oh Did I say... MY GOSH... THE GUYS DAMN TALL. Fine I know I am short. Oh well...
Tin Song accompany me home. Who was the one who asked him to send me home. Let me see... Went out with Ting, Yi Hui, Terence, Wei Da, Jonathan and Tin Song today. I think I might know who. Anyway I was right when I thought that someone was following me and yup it was Tin Song. Good thing I sort of ran and hurried after I told them I had to go home cos guess what I caught the bus just in time before it left the bus bay. Phew... Any later then that would not be good especially since 174 is a long wait and my area is getting kinda dark. Did I mention I saw the moon today and it is big. Really beautiful. I love it :)
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:11 PM|*
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*|Animation and discipleship
Last Friday, my faculty has a FILMAKADEMIE screening and wow the animation is fantastic. The one I love most is Annie & Boo (
www.annieandboo.com). It was animation that lasted around 10mins and someone has funded these animators to developed it into an animation feature. Wow... I love their animation and story... was totally captivated by it. Haha... Let's hope I can work till their standard. Think I have to study a lot after my exam. Read up more on animation. So excited, I really hope the dean does not put a limit to the number of people in each major cos I really really want animation. Yup its going to be scsary and tough but it be exciting. I predict further stress in my university years. LOL... But can deal with it, Jesus will be there to see me through and that is good enough :D GRINZ! Can't wait for new school building to be up!!!
Haiz~ This whole week I have been back sliding. Havn't done discipleship, havn't read the bible. Either because I was too tired or I plan too but fell asleep and woke up realising that I have accidentally fallen asleep just like wad I did yesterday. I can't go on like that, must be serious! Can't let hw and studies take over God. This reminds me of the mission trip, can I go... Still havn't ask my parents again. I mean I tild them liao and I really want an answer, is it a yes or no. Sigh and should I go for piano lessons. I know I really really want to. Really really want to learn it. Ok... I better get back to doing my discipleship and then later my homework. Have been slacking whole afternoon.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:34 PM|*
*|A night of fun!
Lots to write about for this past few days. Lets see... On Wednesday, I stayed back in school to do 2D. Tracey was with me in the computer lab and Poh Ling too :) Havn't seen her for quite some time and there we were doing our 2D project. Whoa... I realised how much I dun know about photoshop. Learn a lot from Tracey. I had to keep redoing a lot of stuff cos I kept doing wrongly but I got better after that and faster too. YEAH! LOL... Anyway, we were doing and whoa it was like 10pm plus so in the end, I decided to stay over at Tracey's hostel since her room mate isn't there and guess what, Salleha joined us at the com lab at around 2am plus. That was how late it was when Tracey and I was like almost done with our 2D stuff. Oh Did I mentioned that before we were at com lab, Yi Ling (Account Executive), Tracey (Creative director) and me (Art director) were at our 2D room and we create a big mess there. Part of our poster required mud and well as art director I was eresponsible for getting the mud on paper but as always I am a lousy aimer and so the mud ended up on the floor beside the intended target (the paper). In the end had to scoop up everything and do again. LOL but it was fun!
Anyway, Salleha and I went to investogate Tracey's hall. Wiw it is really not bad and her room layout is fantastic compared to Ting's one. Before that night, I didn't like hall at all because of the experience I had with Ting's hall but that night I think hall is not bad at all but of course, I will still prefer my home. Haha Anyway we were hungry and decided to go to the hawker center opposite our school and well the gate is locked. The gate I am refering to is the one at Yun Nan Garden where the gate opens to a over head bridge which brings u across a long road. So yup I was first to climb over which I did with ease. Lets just say I love climbing but it depends on what I am climbing. I am ok with gates but the hard part was always simply jumping down from the top of gate. Good thing, this wasn't that high. Haha... I kinda miss climbing things and playing around with ropes. I remember last year's church chalet I had lots of fun walking on this really thick rope without falling and it was sloping upwards. Haha... I just like some adventure once in a while.
Yup and so we went to eat Roti Prata and hey it is really not bad, better than the prata sold at my house downstairs, way much better. Simply love it!!! Haha... We climbed over the gate after that too and all along I remember hearing voices from behind. I was very sure it was that of a student and well no one believed me but hey after climbing over the gate and walking a bit of distance back to the hall, I saw more students climbing over the gates back into school. Haha... So I wasn't wrong after all. Anyway played card games with Salleha and Tracey and was introduced to some new games. Really fun just playing and laughing. I havn't done that with any of my friends for a long time. That really reminds me of Ting they all. Ting say she going to organise outing but till now still havn't organise one. Oh well... see how. In the end, we slept around 4am, I ws the first to fall asleep cos I was too sleepy and well woke up at 830am. You can just imagine how tired we all are on Thurs. Not bad, I had a great night and a very tiring one!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 6:27 PM|*
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*|By myself...
Sometimes I wished I could talk to someone about all the things I am going through but the thing but no one wanna hears. Well, even if I say it my friend will just stop me halfway and say to change topic. The thing is I dun wanna change topic, I wanna get it out of me. Sometimes I really feel lonely especially within my family. So many things hapened within us and they could forget them so easily but I could not because I am greatly affect by what they say. And its just that all these have been going on for years and its difficult for me to share anything with my church friend because well, my brother is there and I dun want what I say to change the way they see my brother or whatsoever. And I didnt want any of the things I say to be heard with my brother or anything. I know people say to forgive and to forget. Forgive I guess I can do that but forget that is hard too you know. If your dad tells you in the face that all you know is how to ask him for money. Will you not be hurt by what he says? Will you forget it the next instance or will it be embeded in your memory forever?
I feel so small and insignificant sometimes and the only one that lifts me up is God. That is what he did for me today. I read the devotional entry in my upmost highest and the whole entry is just like God speaking to me directly. he is right... there may be no one to encourage me or wadsoever but I have to perserve. I cannot give up, I must not. I just wish my parents really cares for me but neh... They dun even understand me. They don't know my dreams or goals. No common interest, here I am an art person and they not the least care about it as I do. I am on my own with God and I guess its ok. I got God, that's more than enough, more than what I ask for.
March 6 devotional
"... in much patience, in tribulation, in needs, in distresses"
(2 Corinthians 6:4)
When you have no vision from God, no enthusiam left in your life, and no one watching and encouragaing you, it requires the grace of Almightly God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step, than it does to preach the gospel.
Every christian must experience the essence of the incarnation by bringing the next step down into flesh-and-blood reality and by working it out with his hands. We lose interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our everyday life with its trivial tasks. The things that testifies for God and for the people of God in the long run is steady perserverance, even when the work cannot be seen by others. And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you. Never allow yourself to think that some tasks are beneath your dignity or too insignificant for you to do, and remind yourself of the example of Christ in John 13:1-17.
Kinda at eased now though I am a bit upset. Guess cos I am watching the oscars and the happiness from the winners I can feel it and the soft tingling music just soothes me. Erm... dun really know what I am typing but who cares.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:46 AM|*
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*|Not my fault... Ain't anyone's fault
Control my anger, control my tears though I rather let it out. So frustrated now. Why I get blamed for things that are not my fault? Sometimes I just feel so helpless about all this. My brother's hard disk got problem and he blamed it on me for lending it out. Its definitely not Nan's fault cos it was alright when she transferred the songs. The ridiculous thing is he blame me for lending his hard disk. Maybe I should refresh his memory but he is the one who wanted the christian songs in the first place and he say ok when I asked if can pass his hard disk to Nan for the songs. And now he is blaming me for it. It is no one fault that the stupid hard disk is screwed up. And I get blamed for it... Do I always get blamed for everything that is not my fault. I get blamed for the outcome of my brother and the family. Damn it, its not my fault ok? I hate this. I wished I was in school or sth this morning instead of at home. And I told my brother time and again to pass it to my godbrother check. I say so many times and he didn't do it so whose fault is it anyway. I gave me a solution and so many times he didnt do it. Damn! I hate this. I getting all so worked up, how am I going to concentrate for my test later. I was watching Lord of the rings and analysing the special effects and now I have no mood to carry on. And now even if I want to go to school I have to go to my brother's room and get my clothes cos my stupid wardrode is there. This is totally pissing me off. Things always goes wrong on days when it is not supose to. Its just be. Wadever... I can't be bothered. No mood... don't talk to me wadever... irritated... annoyed... feel like crying... feel like getting away... ARGH!!!
God help me.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:14 AM|*
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