*|Fast
Went on a "no tv, dvd, vcd, laptop" fast today till 4pm. Never it be so hard to stop myself from watching vcds... I can't possibly stay in my room cos of the laptop there and of course my vcd collection. Neither can I stay in the living room with the computer and tv and vcd cllection there too. I can't possibly be in my brother's room, or my parent's room or the kitchen packed with junk food. Sigh... In the end, I went over to my godmother's house played with the kids and ended up helping them to pack their vcd collection. LOL... well, at least I had time to pray which is good.
Sigh... My godfather not going mission trip cos of the elections. I wonder how the situation is now, whether some of us from the mission trip team can leave only after they elected. But if this is the case, they will miss the first day of R&R and the first day of children ministry and I wonder about the air tickets cos we booked liao and I doubt can just change like that. I really wonder how it be like? Clueless... really pray that God show us a way through all these.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:24 PM|*
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*|Updates... Did I do the right thing?
Tons of stuff to update on provided I even remember what I wanna type in the first place. Ok here goes...
(1) Was nearly a victim of a car accident but thank God for his protective hands over Ri Xin, Hwee Min and I. Ri Xin nearly crashed the car into 2 cars. Whoa the way she managed to avoid by a few inches, I only got 2 things to say. One it's scary how we can be dead in an instant. Two, it's kinda exciting, reminds me of all those stunts in movies. Ok but that is really not the point here. I just like to thank God for reminding us how precious life is and about what our priorities in life should be. What are the treasures we wanna collect? Earthly treaures like money, grades, fame etc or treasures up in heaven? I guess God always reminds us of all these things just that we don't tend to notice and the only way God can really makes us notice is to make something big, like a near accident to really wake us up. I guess I have to really learn to listen to God's whispers and not wait till all these incidents to actually listen and understand what God has been telling me for a long time.
(2) Oh, I decided to go on a diet. A NO JUNK FOOD DIET. Seriously I am always tempted by junk food and guess what happened in the end, I fall ill. Just like what I am now. Seriously this is not the time to fall ill with mission trip coming up and it always take me about 2-3 weeks sometimes even longer than a month to fully recover. No more junk food!!! Must learn to take care of body if not might just ended up using illness as an excuse for not doing QT which I think always happen in my case. And in a way it stops us from doing God's work because when we are ill, we just tend to lie around and rest. Basically we feel exhausted and sleepy and I guess doing God's work is the last thing on our mind then, well for me it'll be the last thing. So I guess I better start taking care of my health. NO MORE JUNK FOOD! Stop me from eating it ok if you see me about to take a bite!
(3) Something happen this morning on my way to church and I am thinking whether what I did was right? As a christian, I feel like I gave the person a wrong impression but ARGH!!! I was kinda scare, I don't like strangers follwoing me and talking to me! Maybe I am dumb because when people even strangers ask me something, I always answer with the truth and it causes them to ask more. Ok here is what happened... I was walking happily, suddenly out of nowhere, a guy walked beside me. The thing is I didn't even hear him coming! I didn't hear any footsteps behind me, that can't be! I always listen out for footsteps behind me everywhere I go. Well, it be a habit if you always come home at 9pm plus or later and have to walked this quite dark and sheltered walkway which is like the only route home and well by far the safest among all the other routes but still it is quite dark and silent so I always listen for footsteps behind me and the direction it is going and the pace.
Well, I DIDN'T HEAR THIS GUY COMING UP BESIDE ME till he asked me if I buy my bag from Phillipines. No, obviously I bought it from Singapore. Of course when I answered, I answered politely but I started to feel very weird like who in the world ask a girl where she buys her bag! Hello... A GUY, GIRL'S BAG... any connection??? NO!!! Should I have not answered, Man, I am dumb. And then he go on to asked me if I am a singaporean and then he asked me if I was going to church and he started to ask about church masses and Sunday school and all that. I dunno, I mean even if the person was asking me about church and all that, I still get freaked out because firstly he is a guy, secondly he has already followed me for quite sometime and he walks beside me as if he is my friend. (THIS I HAVE PROOF, cos when Arthur ge ge drove past me he honked, so obviously Suzanna jie jie they all saw me and when I told them what happened just now, their first response was I THOUGHT THE GUY IS YOUR FRIEND? SEE!!! FOR STRANGERS HE IS WALKING KINDA CLOSE) Thirdly, he walked past the bus stop and still am following me. I started to pick up pace and walked quickly, the last time I saw him was when I turned left and walked towards church gate.
Did I do the right thing? I mean my behaviour of just walking faster and like trying to shake him off... Is it what a christian should do? I mean here is a person asking about church stuff, kind off, and there you are as a christian trying to shake him off. Will it leave behind a bad impression on how a christian is like especially since he is a non-christian. This is what he says lar but how true it is, I dunno of course. But still, I was scared. I never liked being followed by a stranger. Initially, I was on alert but after a while, I just got scared and wishing that Arthur ge ge has stopped and picked me up. I dunno why but I just got more scared by the moment. Haiz~ Sigh... I dunno I did the right thing? Wanna ask my christian friends what they will do if such a thing happened to them but I guess not, don't wanna distract them from their studies since now is their exam period and I dunno how to ask them without explaining what happened. Sigh... I guess I am never good with speaking but in writing, I feel much better, just much more comfortable with penning things down than saying it out. Hey, for those having exams, must jia you ok? God will bring you through it all!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:34 PM|*
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*|Love offering
I am very thankful to God and HuiNan, Hwee Min's Mum, Marc, Jing Ting and her mother. Really thanks them for giving me and it's such a miracle. I remember being upset trying to figure out what to do, where to get money cos I know if my parent see my bank book and realise I draw like $500, they won't be happy and if I ask them, well they won't be happy either. But it's just a miracle because the next day, Hui Nan and Ah Min's mum gave me a love offering of $100. And on top of that, a week ago Zi Xuan return me the money she owned me cos of the Quidam ticket and all that which is like $150, so I got $250, left $250 more to go, exactly half. Amazingly, I dig through my treasure box and came out with $115 which I tell you is simply amazing because weeks ago, I empty all my money in piggy bank and there is no way I can manage to save that amount at all. Furthermore, the money which I saved up and set aside, I gave it to Ri Xin as love offering for her mission trip.
Yup and so I ended up with like $365, short of $135. And yup, my class fund is going to return me the $30 they own me so that makes $105 short. Surprisingly, the next day my mum passed me $100 and said it was part of the $270 that my dad owned me for spectacles. The weird thing is that why did my dad suddenly remember and usually when he passed me money, he give it in full and not halfway. Conclusion, it must be God's work. So I am like $5 short and it's amazing how I even get this $5. Haha... I dunno why but suddenly remember that when Enoch return me money for Cedric's birthday present, he gave me a $10 note and I dumped it in the front of my bag and sure enough there is was. So in the end, I got like wad, $5 extra and exactly, Jing Ting and her mum and Marc gave love offering too and so that is another $200 extra! What a miracle.
Well, I know Zi Xuan is worried about her dad paying so much cos both her brother and her going so it is like $1000 for two for mission trip and I thought I can give it to her and it's sad that she didn't accept it. I am kinda sad and I started thinking izzit because of the way I give it to her or simply she didn't even ask for love offering in the first place. Well, I didn't ask for it but I got it, THANKS GOD! And I started thinking that maybe I shouldn't have give in the first place. That was when I kinda snap out of it, I mean where did that thought came from, shouldn't have give in the first place? That isn't right. It kinda remind me of how when I was young. I would think that my parent don't love me. No one like me. God don't love me. No one cares and that I am an idiot and all these thoughts. Is this some kind of a attack from Satan to stop me from giving and starting to doubt myself that I am not good enough. Maybe it is. I kinda sad. You know, I think I read from somewhere before, that sometimes we have to learn to take because only then will the giver be able to give and be happy that he gives and knows what it is like to give something from the heart willingly and freely. But many people don't accept. Kinda remind me of Jesus and how He gave His life for all of us and its sad how sometimes people reject the gift that Jesus is offering. It always makes me sad and wanna cry most of the time when I think of all those people who reject Jesus and imagine how sad Jesus will be. Haiz~ I am talking a bit out of point here. But there is one thing I learn today, don't like Satan stop you from giving at the same time, learn to receive too.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:05 PM|*
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*|Comfort
"The disciple accepts the comfort of God and begins to look for new beginnings, fresh possibilities, and chooses to serve rather than to despair."
God is right. I should put aside all these money matters because when I come back from the mission trip. God will help me with finding a suitable job than I can work and earn the money that I need. Should concentrate on serving in this mission trip rather than the money. Afterall, when we go to heaven one day, money will not be one of the treasures above. It be nothing. Why waste my time worry about me, should use my time to concentrate on God instead and serving Him, doing what he wants. Been sad over money is ridiculous and a waste of time.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:57 PM|*
*|Why everything need money?
I signed up for dance lessons finally. I am so happy but I got a big problem. I calculated that I take a year to save up the money I need for my dance lessons. And well, I don't want my parents to pay. I don't want my dad to say that all I know how to do is ask for money. But I desperately need money. My bank account is dropping. For mission trip, I doubt I ask my dad.
Each time I wanna ask for money, what my dad scolded me before kept popping into my mind and it hurts. I am not the kind of girl who always ask for money. But because of that, I guess I no longer ask my dad for money for things like dance lessons or wadsoever. These are my dreams, I guess if I wanna take them, I pay them by myself then my dad can't use that against me and say that all I know is ask for money. I guess my friends will be like wondering why I like always ask Firdy (class treasurer) to pay me back the money that the class fund own me. Its not like I love money or wadsoever, none of the class people knows my current financial situation. If I really come across as a selfish person (in terms of keep wanting my money back) so be it, I can't help it. I really need the money. Why is it that to achieve your dreams requires money. Sigh...But I won't regret what I did to the money I save up for the past few mths. Guess in this world we are living in, everything needs money. Even if it means learning something that you really want to learn for years need money.
I don't think I wanna go join the photography competition, I don't have money go develop all those photos and it's not like I am going to win anyway. I am not even good at it and I don't have a good camera to take photos anyway. Again, I need money. Sigh... But no matter what, I will go for mission trip even if it means taking money out of my bank. I will do that and well I have to do that anyway on Mon, need to pay Uncle Luke. I wanna ask my parents for money but I think I shall not. I dun wanna be hurt again by these words "All you know is ask for money." and it's not the hurt is gone, it's still there. Each time I recall the words, I still hurt and it hurts so badly my tears starts falling and yes I am crying now.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:54 PM|*
*|troubles, troubles, troubles
Sigh... I realise that nowadays I got so caught up with my projects and studies that I neglected my friends and my family. I dunno... I realised I don't talk to my family members much because I am stuck in my room all day even uring meals because I am doing my projects. I dunno what's wrong with me. I don't know why I am suddenly thinking about whether I have left God because of my studies. The worse thing is to leave God and not doing you did that. I don't wanna leave God's side.
Sigh... I have big finance issue now. Really big ones. I don't know where to get money for mission trip. Think I really have to go take from bank. NO! I just took like $270 for making a pair of spectacles because I really need a new one (the good thing is my degree dropped :D ) and my dad supposed to pay me but he didn't and I don't feel like asking him. It kinda feel weird asking my dad for money. Its like how am I going to ask him for $270 spectacles, $303 mission trip, $130plus piano lessons within like wad 2 weeks. I gotta be crazy and well I still remember what my dad scolded me last time. He said all I know is ask him for money and that is so not true. But I am seriously broke. I just paid $270 soecatacles, $30 BBSS school dinner tickets and now $300 plus mission trip and well I am taking up dance lessons and ice skating lessons too but I probably won't tell my parents about it. I mean firstly, they ask for course fee and they will disapprove and I really wanna go. It's my dream and I don't wanna give it up. If they don't support me then I guess I do it by myself. I pay for them by myself and well my allowance has reduced to $20 per week cos it is the holidays liao. Tell me how am I going to get all tat money when I am not working. The most I could save is $15, $5 is set aside for offering. Maybe things are not meant to be, maybe I shouldn't take up dance or ice skating or piano lessons.
I been dreaming all that since I was a child and I remember how each time I was crushed when I heard the word "no" and how I would prevent to be ok with it but once everyone is out of sight, my tears will flow. Because I want it so much and it wasn't like I am asking for anything that is wrong. The answer was "no" because my parent think that I did not seriously want to learn all that but they never did knew how they broke my heart each time they said "no" and how each time I see someone play the piano or dance on stage, I will try to stop myself from crying because those people are so lucky. They get to do it and me I am stuck with nothing and what's more my parents not the art or music kind. They don't bring me go watch performances wadsoever. And I still remember how my mum let my brother join band and I could not. Sigh... None of my family members seems to be interested in what I do anyway. I think if I were to display my art in school and invite them to see, most likely they wouldn't come.
I dun't know but my family members they don't seem to be part of my life. I don't seem to be close to anyone. My mother forever busy herself with household chores, my dad welll he is a danger to talk to...sometimes might just ended up getting scolded so better to keeo mouth shut, my brother... well just not close. I wish my parents are christians then at least we can do things like pray together. But no, my family don't do that. I really wish they are christians and believe in God one day. Will that day ever come? I praying that it will but of course such things are bot up to me to decide. Its between God and them. Afterall the final decision lies in them, not me, not anyone else but them.
I have another problem. My friend kept asking me to go out with him. I wish he can stop asking me that because to tell the truth I don't like going out with guys to whom I am not VERY close with because it be so awkward and I hate that. It's so troublesome cos you got think of what to say, make sure you don't overdressed, make sure you behave well etc. I hate all that. I wanna be free to say what I want, I wanna act in wadever I want, I wanna go to places and looks at things. I rather go out by myself then go out with guys. When I go out alone, I don't have to bother whether I am staying in a place for too long which I always do. I just love being in Esplanade library looking thru books, films and magazine. I love watching those performances. I love just sitting there beside the water staring at the moon enjoying the breeze. I love going from place to place, walking here and there taking in the sights and sounds. Haha I think I really like being on my own. There are times when I supose to be at a place, but I usually wonder how like how I ended up once in Fort Canning or musemn. I go where my heart goes. ARGH!!! I wish he can stop asking me to go out!
Sigh... I shall stop blogging cos 1st of all this is already very long. Secondly the more I talk, the more I don't make sense. Dunno why I blog all these when I actually wanna talk about sth else.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 1:23 AM|*
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*|Spiritual attack
What I typed in my last blog entry is a spritual attack and I guess I am not the only one experiencing it too. Hui Nan and Pei Shi had it too but the experience for each of us was different. And can someone tell me why my eyes hurt, my left eye. It is like as if someone had punched it (sound so wrong) but yah there is a small lump around my left eye (the part nearer to the bridge of nose). Good thing is its not as painful now but I pretty sure I got it after that spiritual attack. Spiritual attacks are scary but I am glad I have God because being on God's side means we have already won and I really have to thank God for bringing me out of that living nightmare. If you were me, you know it is a nightmare and at the same time, you know it is real. I dunno how to say it but once you experience it, you know.
I won't give up the mission trip or stop doing God's work because of this spritual attack. The more I wanna do work for God. I just prayed that while I am at it, I really hope God will protect my family and friends. I don't want Satan to use them to get to me. God do protect them from Satan and ll of us who are going for mission trip too. Let us not fall because of the devil. This reminds me of the bible verse learnt during Sunday school about putting on God's amour and fighting alongside with God. These few days with exams and projects and deadlines, I guess I really have to be careful cos I tend to be at my weakest when stressed. Have to remind myself to rely on God always and always.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:55 AM|*
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*|Nightmares?
I had a horrible experience just now. I dunno why but it just didn't seem right. One second I was napping and suddenly I was like in this nightmare and I got a feeling that it happened before earlier while I was napping but this time the feeling was stronger. It was this headless person and a studio spotlight. What kind of nightmare is that, it lasted less than a minute but I am for once very clear of what was happening to me. I dunno, it's just so weird. I knew I had to wake up, snap out of the dream but some part of me like wanted to continue with that nightmare. And when I tried to snap out of it, I couldn't do it for a while. I was trying to move, break free but I was constrained. I tried opening my eyes but I couldn't too. It was like I was kinda locked in this position and I kept hearing this really creepy rhythmic sound in my right ear. It was scary and I know that it is not a sound coming from my bedroom as in it is not the sound of the fan in my room wadsoever. It just isn't a sound from my room basically. The feeling is definitely not right and I am glad I prayed to God to help me break free, snap out of it and slowly I did.
It's just scary because usually in nightmares, you can just open your eyes and it all be gone or you just jerk awake but just now what I expeirnced, I could not. I was like forcing my eyes to open and it was so tough, even moving my arms and head is tough. I hate it. I dunno why I am blogging this because I don't think it makes much sense but it was too real. And yet at that point of time I had that nightmare I was freaked out and once I awake, it was peaceful. This is so unlike me, usually I take an hr or two and a long time of prayer to forget my nightmares. I mean my nightmares are really freakful. Can you imagine seeing your friend drop off the building right in front of your eyes or weird scenes were you see people being kidnapped and tied to the tree trunks all over Singapore. I mean what is that?
I think I shall stop here now cos I don't think I am making any sense. God please stop all those psycho nightmares. If I ever have dreams, like it come from you.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:10 AM|*
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*|Update
Lots of update to do here. Lets see. Firstly sch stuff, I cant believe last week durin art history tutorial I had a great conversation with Diyanah. Even though we in same tutorial group, we hardly talk but last Thurs, its like so much to talk about. Haha... Have to thanks her for her comment on Tues, it's very surprising to hear that from her. Haha. Let's see, today I showed my video to the class and well, as usual it is not finished but they liked it. They find it funny and Tracey said sth that I didn't know before. She said about how each time I showed my unfinished video, they wished they can see it till the end because it's like those type of video where you just have to finish it in one go. Haha and everytime I keep them in suspense and they be waiting for me to finish it. LOL I didn't know it was like that. Maybe I do have a not so bad sense of humour which I say well a lot of my inspiration came from the characters in Disney's animation like say... Kuzco in emperor's new groove or like Dory in finding nemo.
Let's see what else to update. Oh I wonder who Stef is angry at. Me or Firdy they all. Hey I just passing the message that we need to pay class fund. I already did help to cut down on the cake spending by buying a cheaper cake and nicer one at $26 instead of the usual that Firdy they all buy from Quad, the $30 plus one. And there are lots of other stuff too. I wonder if she angry with me. Guess I can tell by her attitude tml. There is nothing I can do, I can't like tell her that it is not my fault and that she should blame it on Firdy. That is not the right thing to do. Oh well, if she is angry with me because i spread the msg to pay class fund then so be it. I am pretty not happy with it too cos the class fund own me $30 plus. Haha... If I am the treasurer cum welfare person they see that the birthday gifts are usually handmade. That's what I did in SAJC when I waqs treasurer. Being treasurer is tricky business and I am glad I am not part of that. PHEW!
Ok next update. I can't borrow the school's SLR camera. Sigh... anyone got digital SLR camera for me to use. Probably not. Oh well... I just try my best though that is really quite sad. Ok what else, ART HISTORY is major disaster!!! So little info on books and internet. Kill me! Left few days to finish up research, write out 3 essays, memorise them and vomit everything out during exam on Tuesday. Ok what else... NOW IS THE BEST PART...
I GET TO GO MISSION TRIP! Ok actually that is old news but who cares I GET TO GO MISSION TRIP. Ok I incharge of Art & Crafts with Jia Ling. WOO HOO! Have to think of songs for praise and worship. So far only one song on the list..." zhen zhen hao, lai xin ye shu zhen zhen hao" English, "it's so good, believing in God is so good" Yup. Thinking. Oh and I can go Bangkok with Pei Shi they all after the missin trip. It means I be away from 4th to 14th April! Haha YEAH! Ok back to reality now. Time to do QT and then my 2D and then more drawing :)
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 9:51 PM|*
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*|Today
I am very very tired. Extremely tired because once again, I hardly had any sleep. As for today, I am kinda weak well that's because I was so busy I didn't take any food except for breakfast and a supper which happens to be french fries. I love fries but tiday had to force myself to eat all because I was too tired to eat. What else happen... MY NEW EXTERNAL HARD DISK IS SPOILT. I guess I was right along. It be repaired in one week. By the end of one week, my semester will be over and the hard disk won't be much of a use. What an inappropriate time to break down. Actually, it was spolit when it was first bought. Let me see, one good thing did happen, my dad bought me a tripod for my camera and a case too for the Sony camera. Oh when I took the MRT on the way home, I met the rudest young boy ever. He went up to two girls and say " Excuse me, I want to sit. " What a rude boy. Totally no manners and no shame. I am like writing random thoughts down. So pardon me if it doesn't make sense. I am too tired to try to typre properly. Went Esplanade and I love watching performance. Very talented guitarist. Plus point, he is really handsome. Haha... But neh... I am not thinking about romance whatsoever.
Guess there is one thing that I wanna thank God is that no matter how tired I am, He still gives me strength to live my day. I jus hoped I live it the way He wants me to.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:27 AM|*
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