*|CNY and blessings...
Happy chinese new year! Sigh... It seems like every chinese new year is a challenge to me. I just feel lost sometimes and don't know what to do. Well, my older cousins they have no time for us younger cousins anymore cos they have babies to look after and well been the only girl among cousins round my age, its weird cos I don't know what to talk about and well... My guy cousins they played with cousin's Wendy's son, Favio. There is nothing much I can do since Favio obviously prefer playing with them, guess cos they are guys. Ok I am pretty much alone. Sigh... Well, the thing is I get to see both my guy cousins, Jason and Henry when I visit relatives from both my mother's and father's side cos their my cousin their parents are my mother's brother and my father's sister. Haha... Where are the girls???!!! Let's just hope that later in the afternoon when I go to my aunt's house, I can play with the dogs and that my mother allow me to.
Well... enough about complaining. I just lik to say that this past week is incredible!!! Each day except Sat I bump into AT LEAST 1 of my pri sch/sec sch/jc frens. Wow... wad a conincidence!!! So unbelievable. I wonder who I will bump into later. That be interesting.
Anyway I was thinking about Sunday's sermon on the bus ride home. I was thinking about blessings and stuff like that and I rmb my sunday school lesson. Well... I come to realise that many people do not understand the true meaning of blessings. Blessings in the past are really blessings from the heart and they may not always be about sth good. Let me see, how do I explain this. Genesis 49: 5-7 "Simeon and Levi are two of a ind - men of violence. O my soul, stay away from them. May I never be a party to their wicked plans. For in their anger they murdered men, and they crippled oxen just for sport. Cursed be their anger, for it it fierce; cursed be their wrath, for it is cruel. Therefore, I will scatter their descendants throughout the nation of Israel." This is part of the blessings Jacob gave to his sons. To many people, it may struck them as odd to consider all that as a blessing but it is really an example of true blessing cos Jacob pointed out his sons' weak points and in doing so, they know themselves better and can know changed their character and be a better man. That is what a true blessing should be. Well nowadays, the meaning of true blessings is lost. What we get are just empty blessings.
I also remember the Yi Xin's father (he gave the sermon) mentioning how he asked for many kids so that he can trained them to be children and soldiers of God. Haha... This makes me wonder how many children I will ever have if I ever get married. Haha... Well at least I have already had a taste of how parenting is like. Man... Sometimes you can love the kids and yet hate them at the same time. Difficult to love... especially kids nowadays when they are no longer innocent little angels. Haha... But still, I love playing with them, especially my god niece and god nephew. They are just so cute and cuddly but their cry/scream is unbearable.
I wonder if my dream of working in Disney animation studios is part of God's plan for me? Erm... Guess I wont know that now but He reveal it to me in time. That reminds me of another of my wish. Haiz~ I havn't practice playing the piano for a very very long time. Well... That is cos I didn't have much time for it. I really really wanna learn that!!! Sigh... guess I shal stop whinning and go sleep now.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 1:27 AM|*
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*|Friends and God's plans
I cant resist blogging this down but I just got to though I am suppose to do my quiet time now and then go to sleep. Its really very amazing. just these past two weeks, I bump into some many of my frens, frens that I have not seen for 3years or so. Lets see, I bump into Xiu, Kai Xin, Han Xu, Yi wei, Wei Ting, Pauline, this s72 gal... oops forgot her name, Yan, Shu Ting, Dorinda, Kwang Hong (I think should be him), Desmond, Jonathan and Ran Xing. That is like a lot right??? Haha... What really surprise me is Xiu is reading my blog. (Xiu are you reading this??? Haha) I didn't know that she got my blog address. Haha and Hui Ting msg me online to say that we should meet in school for dinner together with the rest. Keep in contact more and well... catch up with each other. (Hui Ting are you reading this???) I am really surprise cos I never did expect so many people to pop back into my life after so long. Haha and after all that long chats, I really do kinda miss them. The other reason I am surprised that I did pray for my frens. Of course I didn't pray for me to bump into them but I did. This really make me realise that I should treasure the friendship I hav with my frens even more.
You know, sometimes I think about my future. About my career as an animator, there didnt seem to be a market for that in Singapore and I dun mean animation as in special effects in advertisements or whatever. What I really wanna do is to help animate a feature animation and well it seems that US is where the market is. I wanna work in Disney. Kinda far away from Singapore dun you think? Sometimes I thought to myself what if I did get a chance to work there? How about my family, my frens, how bout church and how will it affect my relationship with God? Will I miss Singapore? I think I will, I miss everyone and well feature animation takes about few years to complete. Does it mean I cant visit my family frequently... erm... I guess not, air ticket will be expensive! It seems so exciting yet at the same time, very scary. It is so much outside my comfort zone... but hey, it is always good to step out of comfort zone, only then can we see more of this world and learn more. I really wonder what God's plan is for me. Guess I shall not worry about that, He will reveal to me bit by bit and afterall God's plan is always the best plan so I shall stick woth what He is going to reveal to me. Yup... God's perfect plan. :D
Shall go do QT and then SLEEP!!! Lacking it nowadays. Hope my stomach will feel better tml... think I ate wrong food or sth. No idea. Erm...
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:39 AM|*
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*|God's calling
Today I had Sunday school and Mei Juan lao shi was talking about God's calling. She asked us whether we had experienced God's calling before and actually before she even asked that question, when she started talking about that topic, my mind was instantly a YES! God revealed His plan to me before and I do remember a few moments in my life and yet at the point in time when she asked me, I said no. And the first thing I said to myself then was that I lied and I am sorry that I did that. I feel ashamed of myself that I let fear take over me. Havn't I tolde myself many times recently about what I read that F.E.A.R is actually False Evidence Against Reality. I was afraid of being wrong, afraid of being laughed at and yet I know that what I should say is not wrong at all. But I still said No and I well... almost cried cos I was upset with myself for saying No. The opportunity that God gave me to witness about my life, I said no, I rejected it. How many times am I going to do that? I dun wanna say no, I dun wanna live with this guilt, I dun wanna let Jesus down and yet I did. I am just thankful that we are still continuing this sunday school topic for the next lesson and this time I intend to speak up. I wont let Satan stop me, I wont let him tell me that I am wrong. I wont. I will pray for God to keep Satan away. I wanna say what God wants me to say about my life. I dun wanna keep quiet. I dun wanna let Jesus down again. I dun wanna do that. I know I can't do this by relying on my own strength. I need Jesus. Jesus, I really need you.
Looking back on my life, I must say I am blessed and I did learn 2 important lessons of waiting... that God's timing is not our timing and of not blaming God for my life. Since young, I love drawing and I did thought of studying arts but I never did consider it seriously. Come to think of it, there were many instances where I could have gone to study art and not bother about God's plan for me. If I did what I thought I was right then, I would not have gotten in to NTU ADM. Sec 3, I knew I could study art if I want to but I didn't. I mean I was 1st in the whole sec 2 level, wadever classes I wanna be in, I could just go and take it but in the end, I stick to science though I am not really fond of it. In sec 4, La Salle came to my schol and set up a small exhibition and I am glad that somehow I ignoreed it. And I am glad that at 16 I didnt bother much about my future as in I didnt wanna make a decision of what my career I wanted cos if I did I would have probably gone to ngee ann poly to study this animation course. In J1, I sort of wanted to study arts and once again I ended up in science and lasalle came to my sch and I was like... I wanna go lasalle study but of course, i couldn't do that. If I did I be wasting my time in jc and my parents will probably kill me cos I dun think that they think learning arts can make much of a living. So there I was miserable and all that and I rmb kept blaming God, kept questioning him why my life is like that. It is only after A level, that I saw the NTU ADM advertisement and I knew I had to be there. Come to think of it, God had already got everything planned out. He made sure that ADM got established the year that I was about to enter university. Kinda realised then that I should not blame God. All along he had heard my wish, knew what I want. I learn that God's timing is not my timing. What may seem right to me may not seem like the right timing to God. It is always always best to wait for God to show the way first. (P.S walking ahead of God aka thinking that you know better about what sth than God and thus doing what you think u should do is not advisable) I find it really incredible cos I must admit my art isn't that good compared to the others and I got selcted among 1000 plus people. It make me realise that I got in not based on my ability but rather God put me there. It is then that I know that this is where God wants me to be.
That is why these days I enjoy school so much though homework is a lot and much more difficult than last semester. Last semester was the adjusting period but this semester is the enjoying period. I made a deal with myself that I must not waste my 4 years in university. I must study hard for God. He put me here though I dun deserved it cos I am sure out of the 1000 plus people, many are way beter than me. I also knew that his plan for me involves animation though I am not exactly how. I must admit that I cried watching animation like beauty and the beast or emperor new groove. I dunno but nowadays people seem to be desensitized. All they want from movies is just fast paced action. I can give some examples, some people when they watched a character die on screen, they just be sad and ok that is it. But for me I be touched and moved cos I see more than the dying part, I see the person giving his life so that his other friend can be saved and that just reminds me of God. How God loved us so much that he send Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. I see that in the show Beauty and the beast. Beast he loved Belle so much yet he let her leave him so that she can look after her father. Isn't that what God will do? He think about others before himself. And Belle when she sees beast, she does not see a hideous monster ... what she sees is his heart. Isn't that what God does too... see us for who we are inside and not bothering bout how we look on the outside. In Mulan 2, Shang was holding on to Mulan who was holding on to a rope of the broken bridge with raging waters at the far bottom. However, the rope could not hold the weight of both of them and Shang wilingly let go of Mulan's hand so that she may live. That is kinda like Jesus dying on the cross for our sins so hat we may live in heaven for eternity which we couldn't if we hav sins.
Actually God planned everything even before I was born. My god mother told me that actually they planned to buy a flat at 6th avenue but in the end they decided to stay in bukit batok which so happens to be the same block and same floor as I am. Without them, I wouldn't have gone to church and know Jesus personally. And without going to church, I would not have met Hui Nan (are you reading this Hui Nan? :P ) and her christian friends from history makers and without meeting them I would not have started to seriously consider my relationship with Jesus. How close it was and all that. Its cos of all these that I now really starting to want to have a closer relationship with Jesus. I want my friends and parents to see Jesus in me and I really hope that someday they accept Christ. I can't imagine life without Christ. Well, I have gone through a few years after I know of Jesus. I left him and my childhood days without Him was terrible. It was the worst period ever. That period I was a rebel, I was rude, stubborn and well, not a very nice person. Really... life without Jesus was terrible and well that part of life really left a huge scar in me and well... its healing now. I am glad that I am back with Jesus again. Really glad. I really wished my parents and my friends will know Him and love Him.
I better go to sleep now. Got school tml at 9am and its like almost 2am. Shall save a copy of what I typed on my laptop. Knowing Satan, he will try to stop me from publishing this. There were many times when I wrote about God and could not published it and cos I didnt save a copy of it using mircosoft words, I had to retype what I wrote. Either that or something bad will happen after I published it, something like a quarrel or wadsosver, something that makes me question God why He gave me such a life, such a family, something that will cause my faith in Christ to falter. But there is something I will always remember is that Satan cant stop me. He cant stop me from talking about Jesus on my blog. Because in actual fact Satan has already lost to God, so nothing to worry about since I am definitely on God's side. But of course as always, it is easier said then done. I guess that is how prayers come into play. Haha I can go on and on forever about God but I am super tired have to go sleep liao. NIGHT to whoever who is reading this entry! Sorry it is very long.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:36 AM|*
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*|Birthdays...
Today was a great day! Went to Ri Xin's 21st birthday. It was fun and whoa... That Hwee Min tsk tsk came up with his idea of a dating game, sort of a dating game and Ri Xin picked Cedric out of 4 guys (inclusive of my brother(. Haha But that is so obvious! Cos picking Cedric is ok, it would not cause awkwardness in their friendship. Haha... Ri Xin will never fall for Cedric one... My brother how young lar!!! LOL
Her birthday party got me thinking of my 21st birthday. Kinda considering if I should have a party at all. I guess not... After all my birthday falls near the exam period and by then I am sure I have lots of project to do. Maybe I just spend my birthday like I did last year, study in school from morning to night. How uneventful. I wish that somehow if I dun get to hold a 21st birthday party , I will want to spend my day somewhere near the ocean or sea or river. Just somewhere peaceful where I can sit and relax and enjoy nature all around me while I eat a small mini cake but this wish will probaby not come true at all. Sure got school one. Don't think I will want a prty, don't want my parents to spend so much money on the party preparation. Celebrate by myself sounds better but it is kinda pathetic but who cares... I just want some time to relax and unwind and just loosen up. I think I know what I really want for my 21st birthday is for someone or some close frens of mine to accompany me and watch a sunrise. I never seen one before and I am dying to see one. Really love it... I hope that when the day comes when I get to see it, I hope it be even better than the image I have in my head.
Man... I am so tired. Guess I better go sleep liao. Night!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:43 AM|*
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*|Cries... Jesus in my heart, my life
It has been a long time since I cried because I was upset or very angry worth someone. I guess the only reason why I cry because it has pretty much become part of me. Its really how I expressed myself when I am super upset and angry. It's kinda my only way to really just release everything and destress. I was just thinking whoever is my boyfriend, really have to put up with me crying. Most of the time, I cried while watching a show. Is it just me or what but I am always touched by what is happening on screen even if it is just only an animated film without real life action. I dunnno... In shows, I see people learning to love one another as frens and accepts the person's weakness and friends, all that closeness and kindness, all that scarifice and I look at this world... it looks like we have forgotten all that. We have forgotten the true meanings of friendship, we forgotten the good old days. We are all just caught up in this fast paced world. There is hardly any time left for friends and families. Moral values and stuff like tat are kinda like all thrown out of the windows and down the drains. No one is as innocent as before. All that child like wonders of a human soul is gone. Its sad to see the world like that. I wish sometimes that people can just stop what they are doing and just make times for their loved ones. That will make the world a much better place.
The world will defnintely be a better place if people had Jesus in their hearts. Haha How did the topic of crying leads to God. Haha...Someone used to say "When you cry, God cries with you. But He can't wipe your tears unless you let Him." I am glad God wiped my tears through friends. Oh I almost forgot to mention that I have decided to go for discipleship course. Will stick to it till the very end. I wanna be transformed throughout this course. I wanna be more like Jesus. :D And I wanna go for the mission trip too. Must pray more about it. It is the 2nd time I had come across this verse "The harvest is many but the workers are few. Pray to God who is in charge of the harvest to send more workers to His field." Prayer is so important. I finally realise how much. Ever since I enter university, so many things happened and I am glad that I have became closer to God. I know I have changed for the better of course. I glad to have Jesus in my life. Really glad. :D I wish my friends have Jesus in their hearts too. I wish that they will one day come to know of God, this really special someone in my life who changed me by simply loving me unconditionally.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 12:14 AM|*
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*|1st week of school
As usual, it has been more than a week since I updated my blog... not that anyone is going to read it except me so I guess that is ok. Its Sat now and I am slacking though I should be hard at work trying to finish all my assignments. Well, at least I started on my image bank :D Well, the 1st week of school is over and well there is a bit of change in my class. Let me see, Poh Ling, Isabella and Yoon transfered to another class whereas Rohan went back to India. And guess what, I had a new classmate,. He's Joe and he transfered from group 2 to my class, so in total there are 11people in my class. Think if not wrong, my class has the smallest number among the other classes.
Well... Guess what, I dropped Japanese in the end cos of the 2pm time slot. It's ridiculous... too rush already. I think I shall stick to GV12 asthetic and creative techniques in moving images. Sounds tough but I am glad that Tracey and Jit are in the same module as me. YIPEE! Haha... Enough slacking for the day, I better start working twice as hard to make up for the loss of time in the morning!!! It's almost dinner soon but I think I skip that, NOT HUNGRY! I am not hungry most of the time... change in appetite. Dunno if that is a good or a bad thing. Erm... Maybe it is good then I stop eating so much junk and maybe I wont fall ill so often.
Oh I just rmb what the lab tech told me. That my sch is spending a lot of money on equipment and stuffs for class! WOW!!! My goodness, my school is really given that much money. I still cant believe I am one of the 108 students among the 1000 plus students that applied for this course. I am so glad. God is really good! Must learn to not take all those stuff for granted. We are just fortunate that the government is spending so much on grooming us. Learn to appreciate it. Must really learn and have to complain and grumble less. Haha :D
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 5:14 PM|*
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