*|Finally updated my blog
Why didn't tell me earlier that youdon't approve. Why tell me now? Why do I listen? Cos you are my father thats why. ARGH!!! I feel like I have let my friend down, I mean after everything we have planned so happily to go JB and my dad tell me now that he doesn't like me going. Why can't he say earlier. It is like 8hrs more before I actually meet my friend go JB. Now I feel like I let her down. But I didn't want my father to be unhappy so I guess I am not going. Really sad, wish I can talk to somebody. Well I am chatting with one of my friends online now, or trying to chat since there is no reply from my friend. I really hope Firdy isn't angry with me cos of this. I dunno why I actually listen but I feel guilty if I go and my dad doesn't approve. Sigh... ennough bout this. I just watch the movie by myself then. I know a fren who wanna go but is a guy and well I already decide long ago not to go out with guys alone. Haha... oh well, knowing me, I better don't. The only guys I will go out alone will of course be the church guys, my close buddies. Haha
Looking back since school started, well... I changed quite a bit in terms of my thinking and all that. LOL, I even know what I wanted to be in the future. I am not worrying about it and amazingly, I really achieved quite a few of my dreams this year. I think I should go ask my parents if I can be baptise. I hope the answer is a yes. If it is a no, I guess I wait till I am 21. I really wish my parents are christian and that they see me get baptised. I just feel that baptism is such a joyous occasion but it is not like I can share it with my family. My parents are not christians. You know, sometimes I wonder what it is to grown up in a christian family with loving parents to provide guidance, in terms of christian life. But I guess I never know how it feel like. I made a mess of my childhood I must say. Childhood aren't my happy days. I guess I never was true to myself in a way, always hiding behind a mask, always pretending to be someone I am not. I am definitely very good at that during my sec sch days but I changed. Good thing I changed for the better.
unno why I rack up the past. Oh well, I really hope that I get to go to next April's mission trip. I must go, I wanna go. I am sure there be lots if obstacle in my way. Well, I have one already, money. It's not that diun have money or wadsoever but I dun wish to take money from my parents. Afterall, only my dad is working and my art materials costs a bomb. Just feel very bad about all that expenses and I dun wanna add somemore stuff to it. And I didnt want to draw money from my bank. How to save $700 in 4 or 5mths plus when I dun work and get only $20 for weekly allowance. Well taking about mission trip I rmb what God told me yeaterday through the bible "The harvest is so great, the workers are so few. Pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest to send out more workers into the field for his harvest." I do just that. Really, there are a few people going. I mean look at the chinese side youth, the only people who can go are those in uni or A levels students waiting to enter uni which is like so few. But shall pray, at least we know one thing, the harvest is great! Now that is something to rejoice about :)
It's 3am plus, better go sleep soon. NIGHTS!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 2:22 AM|*
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*|someday... someday...
I feel so angry, frustrated and very upset now. I feel like I am kinda mean but then again, I am not. The thing is I am having a group discussion for art history tml and everyone has agreed to the meeting place except Poh Ling who insists on Woodlands library. I mean what is up with her. Give in to her so many times, let her decide how research should be done, let her do on high renaissance which is the easier one. Let her have the first say in choosing the art work for presentation. ARGH!!! CAN EVERYONE PLEASE LEARN TO COMPROMISE. I am so sick of having to always give in, give in, of tolerating those black face that come my way, of feeling like I have offended someone when I DIDN'T. This week I see a side of my classmates I never see before and I must say it is silly of me to believe that all my classmates are good. I am silly to think that people can be good. I had enough of all this nonsense. Shall just be fair about it, 5 to 1, majority wins, shall meet at mac near national library. Sickening, sickening, sickening.
Sometimes I wish there isn't any bad in the world. Sometimes I wish that everyone is good. Everyone loves God and loves one another. Isn't that kinda like how adam and eve are in the garden of Eden before the fall. If everything now can be like that, just imagine all that laughter and smile and songs that we sing to praise God. I wish it be like that and I know that day will come someday. Shall go pray now. Just wanna talk to God.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:06 PM|*
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*|For God...
Its super late now, 3am in the morning. Well currently working on my bespoked diary, the one with the map of Singapore. Kinda going through all my memory. U know, I really miss all the good old days I pend with my church buddies. I love them. They are the best sisters and brothers I can ever have.
Anyway, yesterday Hui Nan brought me to the History makers conference. These few days I have been thinking about what Hui Nan sms me, the msg she got for me when she was praying for me. And I really can't help feeling really sad. Here I am, knowing God and there all around me are friends who don't know God. No one knows when's the day Jesus will come back to Earth for the second time and I really don't want to see my friends not being able to go to heaven because they don't know God. I don't want my parents to not be able to go heaven too. I really wished all the friends I knew could come along as well. I really want them to believe in God. What the pastor said today just touched me. He told how he as a 16 year old boy preached to a 65 years old man and eventually the man was saved and his words to pastor richard was why didn't he come 65 years earlier. It was only then dod the old man really started living.
I know what the old man meant. I knew how life was without God. Growing up in a non-christian family is hard. I never know God right from the start and when I did know God, my parents could not help me stay on track. I left God for a few years and it was one of the toughest time in my life. Everything was downhill. I had no one to pick me up. No one to help me and I was only like primary school kid then. My parents are non-christians and I remembered there were a few times when they nearly not allowed my brother and I to go back to church. I always cried when they said that. I don't know why but church seem to be the only place I wanna be, away from all that chaos and I remembered how my brother and I had to fight hard for the chance to go back to church again. I am so glad that I know God when I was little because it is only when there is God in my life, that I am really living. I didn't waste much years being dead.
Now that I am in ADM, I am going to be very serious with my school work. I know what I have to do. I have to build up all my art skills because that is how God is going to use me for his works. Really have to thank Nan for asking me if I wanna go and it was pretty amazing. Hours before she sent me that sms, I was thinking will Nan bring me to one of the history makers church sessions and hrs later, her sms came in asking me if I will like to go and to think days before she sms me the msg about being a beacon of light to others. Looking at it, how can things be so coincidental. Only have one explanation for it, God has planned it all out nicely. Guess that means I don't have to worry about my future because it has all being mapped out. Shall let God reveal it all in His time.
Sigh... I am so sleepy now but I better think I should work more on my diary. ARGH!!! So many projects to complete. This is a killer! Haiz~ Nevermind, shall do it all for God. Well, these makes things more bearable and more meaningful. YEAH! For God then... For God!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 3:02 AM|*
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