*|Sad
You know what I just realise... On tuesday I be having lessons till 430pm then after that there be a screening of waiting for godot. It take at least an hour and then I have to meet up group members to discuss and do music project. And they most probably wanna eat dinner in school. I kinda getting upset over this cos I really really wanna go home by 9pm. I guess I might end up in school. Even though I told frens like Jing Ting, Zi Xuan, Wei Da they all that my 19th birthday is no big deal but it is a big deal for me cos this is the 1st time I am getting a cake for my family and god family to eat and enjoy. But if I cant leave school early, then the special delievery cake I ordered, I just have to get Cedric to help me pass to my god family. By the time I reach home, my god sister and god niece and nephews would be home and sleeping. I wana see their reaction, I wanna see my parent's reaction but I guess I can't. Some kind of special birhday this is turning into.
Actually the truth is I really wish I can have a mini quiet celebration wif my frens that day but looking at this, maybe I should have stick to the daily routine of just going home and do my homework. Dun wanna talking about this anymore, its just so upsetting. The one birthday that means a lot to me cos I wanted to thank my parents and god family for everything they have done, I couldn't be there. I feel like a nobody now.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:53 PM|*
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*|YIPEE!!!
I had fever this morning and since then I was very sleepy. I ended up wasting my morning sleeping away, eating and watching cartoons but its not till I watched Emperor new groove and played their bonus features "My funny friend and me" that I get my inspiration from God. THANK YOU GOD. YEAH!... I feel like the charater in my movie now, feel like I am soaring above the skies. I finally got the whole video's script out. Now left with the pictures and the making of the movie. I dunno why but the music for "My funny friend and me" jus reminds me of God and me. Don't ask me why I don't understand. SO HAPPY! Shall go bathe and do my video after that. YEAh! At least I got my video script out. Even though I wasted my whole morning and afternoon, I am still glad that I got the whole script out. I worked on the script since morning but no inspiration then. HAPPINESS! THANK YOU GOD! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 9:11 PM|*
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*|My thoughts
Sometimes I wonder if I should say the things I type on this blog to my friends... I mean as brothers and sisters in Christ, we should share with others our experience. Oh well, maybe writing a blog is for sharing with christian blog readers but that is if they happen to chance upon my blog right? I really hope that God can work through me and touched someone's heart and soul by the things I type on the blog.
Some of my friends know that I have a video project to do for 4D class. I remembered asking God to help me I think and somehow I knew in my heart that I should do a story about a girl revolving around God and hope. But I ditch this idea because I was afraid of what my classmates will think if I do something that is kinda related to God and christianity. In the end, I came up with an idea of a boy on a quest to fall asleep but it was too tough so I ended up thinking of doing a girl who tried to go asleep and then ditched it for another idea of an animal trying to go to sleep. Erm... Come to think of it, why in the world did I do about falling asleep. Must be because I was rather sleep deprived then. I just realised it revolves around the idea of sleeping. I wasted 2 weeks plus on all that 3 ideas... 2 weeks plus is really a lot. In the end, I decided to do the story that came to me at first about a girl (which is a bit like me), hope and GOD. You know after today's sunday school praise and worship session, I could not help thinking about the "Jonah" song... You know the one that goes something like "Jonah, Jonah, have you heard, say the Lord "go preach my word" Jonah say "That's not for me" took a ship and flee to sea. Hey Jonah Jonah (x3), you should obey the Lord". You know if I have listened to God in the first place and just not like what I feel bother me and do what God told me to do instead, I would not have been so stressed up then. Guess that is the consequences I have to go through for not obeying God and when I did ibey God in the end, it felt so right. And really it's amazing how my classmates laugh at the funny parts of my half completed movie and how some of them wanted me to complete it so they can watch everything. God is amazing isn't he? I am glad that I finally learn to listen... even if I had to learn it through the hard way.
Today, we also talk about forgive and forget. It reminds me of my past and how I let Satan hhave a threshold in my heart. It is my fault that I didn't safeguard my heart. I like hatred take over. I allow myself to be angry, I kept on denying the truth even though I know it is the truth. It took me more than 5 years to get over everything. I was this bitter child who puts on a mask around friends and on rare occasions, my temper and anger overwhelmed me that I erupted and vented my anger on my friends. Sorry my friends, didn't mean it to be that way. Just glad that I finally accepted the truth. Finally glad that God help me let go. Even though the incident really hurt me badly but really... if that incident didn't happen, I won't have get to experience God's love. I wouldn't have known how much God love me. I finally forgiven but I have not forgotten. I can't possibly forget an incident that led me to believe in God even more. I love God and I am glad He loves me too. He is the best father I can ever have in my entire life and I am very grateful to have Him in my life and I want it to stay that way forever. I don't wanna leave God ever.
Today I learn so much during the sermon. I wish I can be baptized if only I have the courage to ask my parents about it. There is definitely one thing I have to get God to help me and that is my temper. To learn to control my emotions better. I am a super emotional person. Very emotional. It has its good and its bad side. Its just that with me the bad side can be very bad. Its really time to take off the old and put on the new. Of course I won't expect a 360 degree change overnight but I will as time progresses but you never know, God might just do a 360 degree change in me. Afterall He is God, the greatest of all, the one who created me. Nothing is impossible to Him. So glad I got to know God, I wish my friends can know Him too. God is too great to keep to oneself. Haha... Happy, very happy!
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:02 PM|*
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*|My birthday wishlist
Yeah... My birthday is coming... Shall make myself a birthday wishlist and see what I can do about it. Guess I shall start saving money in order to get what I want for my birthday. Haha
(1) this really long brown skirt that I saw in This Fashion ( tried it and I'm still considering if I should get it... I dun hav a long skirt at home and I dun mind getting one... really love it)
(2) Derwent colour pencils set of 72 (artists/studio) Erm... Should I just save money and buy only when I finished using all the colour pencils I have at home, but they are all of poor quality
(3) Watch!!! (Need that a lot to tell time, I can't keep taking out my hp to check the timing... in fact this should be no 1 on my wishlist... Haha)
(4) A big big good strong bag that is about A3 in size so I can dump all my stuff in especially needed on Friday for 2D lessons
(5) Christian books (love reading them) or C.S Lewis whole collection of The Lion, the witch and the wardrode or any art book (Went Kino that day to look at this animation book by my dean, Issac Kerlow "The art of 3D animation" AHHHHH.... $9o plus... cries... so ex, haha I won't mind having Andrew Wyeth book with of his paintings of an unknown woman. Its just so beautiful, really amazing)
(6) Actually, when I look at all the stuff I typed above... All I can is they are not really what I want but rather what I desire and they are not necessary actually. Because in the end if I were to die and go heaven, I can't bring them all to heaven. I guess my biggest and best birthday wish ever that I can get for myself is building a closer relationship with God. That is the most important thing of all. I still find it amazing that God cares for me, an unimportant being (that's my opinion) but in his eyes, He sees me as someone important. I am His daughter. I am not just anyone's daughter but a daughter of God... God, the Highest of all, the creator and I'm his daughter. That is just so wonderful. My true citizenship isn't Singapore but Heaven... Thats where I belong and that is where I wanna go when I finish walking my life on Earth. To be in heaven with God, with other christians and the angels... The best place I can go to... That place is even better than the heaven I imagined. I must live my life to the fullest, use the gifts He given me and work with Him to spread the word.
You know, I really can't imagine how I can go through life without God.I guess many people will ask how to you know God truely exist. I dunno how to explain, I just know He exists. God send Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and even though it happen a long time ago before I came into this world but that day I believed in Him, I really felt His great love, a love so great that He send His only son to die so crully on a cross but in doing so, washes our sins away. I can't imagine anyone other than God who will love me so much to carry all that out even before I was born. I guess you just have to experience His love, it just can't be explained. No matter what happen, I will always believe that God exists and that He cares for me. No matter what happens, that truth will remain in my heart, mind and soul. Will bring it with me everywhere I go, every moment. Nobody can take that truth away from me or convince me that it is false because it will never be, it is the Truth and the Truth it will remain. I am sure of that.
Whoa... I sound so serious but then again that is a really serious matter to me. Read this in a book "When angels speak"... It is actually the words spoken by Tess, Monica and the other angels in the TV series "Touched by and angel". This is probably told to a cop... Haha...
"There's only one thing in this world that is truely bulletproof. It's faith. Not faith in a gun that will shoot or a radio that works or even faith in your cop's instinct. It's the faith you wrap yourself up in every day of your life. Faith that no matter what happens, you won't lose God's love. And all the bullets in the world can't pierce it. And all the pills in the world can't replace it."
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:41 PM|*
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*|How can I forget????
Its October finally. Now I know why I feel happy yet sad yesterday and all I think of was birthday. I can't believe myself... How could I forget! It was my mother's birthday yesterday. How could I forget... I never forget her birthday but yesterday I forget and till now I havn't even say happy birthday or happy belated borthday to her. I feel like I am a useless daughter... How could I forget. I really hope that my mother is not upset yesterday. How could I totally forget about it??? I feel really bad now.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:31 PM|*
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*|October finally...
My blog starting to have cobwebs. Haha... Its October. I dunno why but I am thinking about my birthday. Just wonering if anything will happen that day. Oh well, I most probably won't be celebrating. Maybe I shall buy a small slice of cake for myself and go to my room and eat it. Enjoy the taste of it. Haha... Celebration with me, myself and I. For once, I can be by myself and enjoy the quietness of my surroundings. No birthday songs, no noisy chatter. Haha... Maybe I treat myself to a movie. LOL but I most probably have to go home do homework. Sigh... Haiz! Can't type anymore. Have to go do my video. Love this song that I am listening to now. That is what I am kinda feeling right now... sort of a happy yet sad feeling. Erm... am I going nuts?
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 10:33 PM|*
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