Sigh... I realise that nowadays I got so caught up with my projects and studies that I neglected my friends and my family. I dunno... I realised I don't talk to my family members much because I am stuck in my room all day even uring meals because I am doing my projects. I dunno what's wrong with me. I don't know why I am suddenly thinking about whether I have left God because of my studies. The worse thing is to leave God and not doing you did that. I don't wanna leave God's side.

Sigh... I have big finance issue now. Really big ones. I don't know where to get money for mission trip. Think I really have to go take from bank. NO! I just took like $270 for making a pair of spectacles because I really need a new one (the good thing is my degree dropped :D ) and my dad supposed to pay me but he didn't and I don't feel like asking him. It kinda feel weird asking my dad for money. Its like how am I going to ask him for $270 spectacles, $303 mission trip, $130plus piano lessons within like wad 2 weeks. I gotta be crazy and well I still remember what my dad scolded me last time. He said all I know is ask him for money and that is so not true. But I am seriously broke. I just paid $270 soecatacles, $30 BBSS school dinner tickets and now $300 plus mission trip and well I am taking up dance lessons and ice skating lessons too but I probably won't tell my parents about it. I mean firstly, they ask for course fee and they will disapprove and I really wanna go. It's my dream and I don't wanna give it up. If they don't support me then I guess I do it by myself. I pay for them by myself and well my allowance has reduced to $20 per week cos it is the holidays liao. Tell me how am I going to get all tat money when I am not working. The most I could save is $15, $5 is set aside for offering. Maybe things are not meant to be, maybe I shouldn't take up dance or ice skating or piano lessons.

I been dreaming all that since I was a child and I remember how each time I was crushed when I heard the word "no" and how I would prevent to be ok with it but once everyone is out of sight, my tears will flow. Because I want it so much and it wasn't like I am asking for anything that is wrong. The answer was "no" because my parent think that I did not seriously want to learn all that but they never did knew how they broke my heart each time they said "no" and how each time I see someone play the piano or dance on stage, I will try to stop myself from crying because those people are so lucky. They get to do it and me I am stuck with nothing and what's more my parents not the art or music kind. They don't bring me go watch performances wadsoever. And I still remember how my mum let my brother join band and I could not. Sigh... None of my family members seems to be interested in what I do anyway. I think if I were to display my art in school and invite them to see, most likely they wouldn't come.

I dun't know but my family members they don't seem to be part of my life. I don't seem to be close to anyone. My mother forever busy herself with household chores, my dad welll he is a danger to talk to...sometimes might just ended up getting scolded so better to keeo mouth shut, my brother... well just not close. I wish my parents are christians then at least we can do things like pray together. But no, my family don't do that. I really wish they are christians and believe in God one day. Will that day ever come? I praying that it will but of course such things are bot up to me to decide. Its between God and them. Afterall the final decision lies in them, not me, not anyone else but them.

I have another problem. My friend kept asking me to go out with him. I wish he can stop asking me that because to tell the truth I don't like going out with guys to whom I am not VERY close with because it be so awkward and I hate that. It's so troublesome cos you got think of what to say, make sure you don't overdressed, make sure you behave well etc. I hate all that. I wanna be free to say what I want, I wanna act in wadever I want, I wanna go to places and looks at things. I rather go out by myself then go out with guys. When I go out alone, I don't have to bother whether I am staying in a place for too long which I always do. I just love being in Esplanade library looking thru books, films and magazine. I love watching those performances. I love just sitting there beside the water staring at the moon enjoying the breeze. I love going from place to place, walking here and there taking in the sights and sounds. Haha I think I really like being on my own. There are times when I supose to be at a place, but I usually wonder how like how I ended up once in Fort Canning or musemn. I go where my heart goes. ARGH!!! I wish he can stop asking me to go out!

Sigh... I shall stop blogging cos 1st of all this is already very long. Secondly the more I talk, the more I don't make sense. Dunno why I blog all these when I actually wanna talk about sth else.