I know God says to honor my parents but it is just so hard. I mean it's so unfair. You wanna know what happen just now. I got scolded for coming home late. I was taking NIGHT PHOTOS... I said that earlier this morning before I left house and I got scolded. My mother was like whu can't you do your homework earlier. WHAT DO U NOT UNDERSTAND? Night photos can only be taken at night and well I got blamed for making her tired which exactly isn't my fault. I mean my mother WANTS to mop the floor EVERYDAY and REFUSES to use the washing machine. She thinks I had it easy, she does not know that sometimes i sleep like only 2 hrs plus. And well after that, my brother came home and he didn't get scolded wadsoever. In fact, my mother was so nice to him and there I was upset with tears running down. Its all just too overwhelming. I know my parents favour my brother. I know they care about him more. I know there is nothing I can do to change this but sometimes a little part of me just wish that they could just love me a bit more.

I been at this favouring and loving my brother issue more for years and sometimes little things like this just gets at me. Its just so many things accumulate and I know I suppose to forgive and forget. I am trying to just that it's hard. I know God wants me to open up heart and not shut it out from everything to prevent it from hurting because love sometimes hurt. Nothing costs more than loving - except not loving. It makes me think about Jesus. He was mocked and tortured and put to die on the cross and the hurt he experienced is so much greater than anybody, even the hurt that I experienced. But He did not shut his heart, instead He love them all even more by dying on the cross for their sins so that they may be cleansed. That is the greatest love of all. Honoring my parents and loving them can be hard sometimes but I know God wants me to love them and that is the right thing to do even if it hurts a lot. My heart has been like very broken for years but I am glad I have Jesus, He is gluing back all the pieces again. I am thankful for that. Couldn't have donw it without Jesus.

I am feeling so much better now. But its so late and I still have to do my essay outline. Well I have to be thankful for one small miracle. I was like looking thru the reference book in the library and I just could not find the info I need and I was like pulling this book from the shelf and I flip through it and I could not find anything to do with Las Meninas. I was lazy to check the index and I am glad there was a nagging voice inside me telling me that I should not be lazy and just flip to index and look Las Meninas up and I am glad I did cos not only did I find out what Naturalism is all about, I can finally start writing my essay outline. I have to thank God for speaking to me. I know it is Him and I am glad that I obey.

Had not suce a bad evening. Went to the waterfront and immerse myself in all that music. I did distress a little. YEAH! OK back to doing essay outline liao.