I must be dumb and stupid to ask my dad to help fix a problem. Basically, asking for trouble. Just got scolded bloody hell and was called an idiot. I am not an idiot! And my dad said all I know is ask for money. Who said so! So basically to him I must be not much of a daughter but a person who exploits his money. Is this what I am a rude selfish girl!? I didnt even ask him for money when I buy my own cd, my own bag or clothes or shoe cos the previous one who spoilt. Sometimes I pay for my own medical bills and my stationary set and art stuff and even my own korea trip expenses. WHY?????!!!!! COS I DIDN't WANNA TAKE MONEY FROM MY PARENTS! I DIDNT WANT THEM TO HAVE TO WORRY BOUT WHETHER THERE IS ENOUGH MONEY FOR EXPENSES! So which part of that makes me a girl who only asks for money. Maybe I should stop asking for money for bus stamp all those. I pay using my savings. U know wad, I pay for the mission trip too. It is not like my parents actually care about me as a daughter. When I got 3rd in level in sec 3, when my mum told my dad about it, my dad got angry cos I didnt get 1st. I already did my best and there were times my dad was angry with our results and without seeing that actually it was good, just literally covered the grades and signed it and started scolding. So much for being my dad. U DON'T EVEN KNOW ME. I am sick and tired of being called idiot and all those. I am not worthless, I am not useless, I am not someone who behaves like an animal which is what my parents said when I was young. I am not all that. It hurts each time when I hear that being said to me. And I didn't caused the whole faily to be like that. I am not the reason why my brother behaves the way he beahaves. It is not even my fault but my mum once said that all to me and before scolding me, my brother actually used the F word on me and call me a bitch. I am not someone you all can hurl your hurtful stuff at. Each time I had to deal with it and it is getting tougher evan now. I am practically in tears now. My family just don't care about me, t is not like anyone love me here. I am just a selfish rude girl and someone who treats my godfamily nice but that is because they treat me nice. No one ever in my godfamily said hurtful things to me and they can all see who my parents care for most in my family... my brother. I am just a nobody and maybe will always be one forever.

My family was never there for me even on some prize givings ceremony. I see all the other parents holding on to the camera taking photos of their child and there I was all alone wishing my family will be there but as usual I was always disappointed, no one was there. What joy is it to receive a prize but if no one in my family to share it. If they cant be there for me phsically, they won't be there for me emotionally. Even at times when I broke down and was stressed, the only one I had was God. God was always the one by ny side. He never leave me. If it weren't for God, I probably be some depressed child. I know God wants me to love my family but sometimes it is just so hard. Everytime when things seems better I get hurt once more. But I try my best to love those who hurt me deeply. You know, before this incident with my dad happen. I was doing the discipleship and this is what I read from my bible with regards to Exodus 9:1

This was the fifth time God sent Moses back to Pharaoh with the demand to let his people go! Moses may have been tired and discouraged by this time, but he continue to obey. Is there a dofficult siyuation you must face again and again? Don't give up when you know what is right to do.As Moses discovered, persistence is rewarded.

I know what I have to do but I can't do it on my own. Have to rely on God. I just wish it wasn't that hard but it is. I wonder how I am going to do my homework in this state. Probably cry myself till tears are dry while doing homework.