Today in class, I feel ignored. My good friend well she ignored me and when she spoke to me, she was harsh. I feel I am no longer in my circle of good friends in school and I probably right. How many times have I walked with them as a group only to be right in front by myself or right behind following them. The answer many. What they talked about, only they know. I have no clue and well they tell my other classmates what is going on, as for me, no one bothers. You know what, forget it. I don't care anymore. And what happen today I was right because my friend just sms me to say sorry for being harsh to me. Well, nevermind I don't care anymore.

Maybe that is why I don't have any real friends other than some of my church friends because I don't wanna trust people. Each time I trusted someone, I ended up getting hurt. Today its like my friend vent her frustrations on me and it reminded me of yesterday incident. Its not the first time someone vent their anger or frustrations on me. Well, my mother did that, my dad and my brother too sometimes. I remember my church camp 2 years ago, my best friend just totally got angry with me and ignored me. And for the first time, I wantted church camp to end early. I wanted to go away. I wanted to leave it and well she apologised for it on the last day and to tell the truth up till now I dunno why she behaved that way to me. I was badly hurt. She was my best freind. I had another best friend too... I feel like I am losing them though I see them frequently. Maybe it is just me.

Looking back at all that I typed, I see my old self, the cold and withdrawn self that I used to be. I dun wanna be that way. Just last week, had my first discipleship lesson and I know that I wanted the discipleship course to transform me to be a better child of God but I seem to be further from it now. I dun wanna to be back to my old self but I can't help me. What am I supposed to do. (1) Continue trusting and let myself be hurt or (2) withdrawn myself so I won't be hurt by anyone? Haha... It seems like God is telling me now there is option (3) Let it all go and still continue to love my family and friends no matter how I am treated. I guess I choose (3). It is tough but come to think of it, everything will be ok eventually because no matter what, Jesus is by my side. That is all I ever need. Even if everyone leaves me, it is ok. Jesus will still be here. He is the only One who can make me smile even when I am sad. He is te only one who is really there by my side all the time. He is the only one who knows my troubles. He makes life worth living. For Jesus, I must pick myself up now. For Him, I must.

To my friends who happens to read these few entries, don't worry I am alright now. My tears are gone because Jesus just make me smile.