I started this new chapter of life and it was an experience I never went through before. It was one of ups and downs, of happiness and sadness and anger. Today during Sunday school, Mei Lian lao shi was talking about us sharing about our painful experiences. I dunno if I ever be ready for that. But I shared it here... I shared it here. I cried a lot but for many reasons. I cried out of sadness, out of anger but I cried the most when I hear God telling me He love me. Its the best feeling ever. Being in a new faculty and all that, I took a long time to adapt. Was really down and demoralised because I was the lousiest in art among all my classmates and I still am. Each time I feel like tearing down my art pieces and throw in the dustbin because in my opinion, it was much more fit to be in the rubbish bin than on the wall. Was really depressed... Kept feeling inferior. Kept feeling that I am really useless. Kept feeling that maybe I should not be in ADM. But God put me there and I know I have to get through it because God must have see something in me that He wanted to put me in ADM. Frankly speaking, I could not have got in ADM without God. I know I am stressed out, I was literally breaking down almost everyday and on certain days, I break down like more than 3 times. I was at my ultimate peak of despair. I never felt this useless and hopless before. If God has put me in these tough times, its means that I can deal with it. God will never give us something that we can never handle. Yet I seem to be unable to handle the weight of it all, I was really on the verge of collaspe.

I let the satan control me. I let Satan put these thoughts of uselessness in my mind. I have forgotten all about how God is beside me all the time, carrying me through tough times. Instead I drown myself in self-pity and all that. But God is merciful, He pull me out of the Satan's trap each time I fell into it. He lifted me up. God reminded me how much He loves me and that He will never abandon me. He helped me through all these obstacles. Each time God did that, I feel so touched. Never has anyone love me that much before. God is the one and only Father that love me so much that He send Jesus to die for us, for our sins. I must say I don't feel that I am worthy of such love and yet God saw something worthy in me, my frens and all the people around me that He send Jesus to die on the cross for us even before we were born. God cares, He really does and each time He reminded me of his love, its like the greatest thing on Earth. To be in God's embrace is really heavenly. It is such time that God gave me rest, he gave me hope and renewed my faith in Him.

The amount of homework in school is like increasing rather rapidly and I am always so tired after school and it seem liked I hav no life. Sometimes because of stress, I ended up quarelling with my parents. I feel really bad about it. I know its my fault but I could not help it. Sometimes I really envy Hwee Min, Ri Xin they all. They come from a christian family and they are so close with their parents. They have Christ in their family. For me, I don't. When children are stressed, they have parents to pray for them. With me it was a different case, I could not rely on my parents to pray for me or comfort me because they are not christians and I am not close with them. Sometimes I wish that one day I can sit down with my parents and together we pray, read bible and talk about God but it seem like this day would never come. I am like not a good witness of God. Look at me, I am a christian and yet I keep getting into quarells with parents during stress period. How am I going to get them to believe in God with my attitude. I know I have to change but its so tough because thats the way I response when I am stressed. And there is no way I can change my attitude with a snap of the finger.

When Mei Lian lao shi talk about acceptance today... I just couldn't help but remembering how many years it took me just to accept the fact that my parents love me. It took me like more than 5 years and during these 5 years, to jump in and out of this world of self pity, anger and sadness. I dunno when I ever be ready to share all these during sunday school class. Can tell that I am not one who share my experiences by talking face to face with people. I do it through writing. She was also talking about God collecting our tears each time we cried and that he knows. God knows. This really brought tears to my eyes because I can feel how much God cares for us, for me but at that same time it was funny because I imagine God storing my tears in washing basins instead of nice conical flask cos I cried too much. LOL.

I finally manage to pull through all that obstacles with God by my side. Now to me, I am studying for God. Thats wad I am doing and in a way, studying now seems to be more pleasant, more enjoyable. I guess one day I will share it with the rest of the da ban. I dunno when this day will come but I know when I share, haha it be super long and I cry a long the way and I think I got an inspiration liao for postcard about God collecting our tears. YEAH! Maybe I should do a series of postcards about God for my end of semester project for 2D!