I started this new chapter of life and it was an experience I never went through before. It was one of ups and downs, of happiness and sadness and anger. Today during Sunday school, Mei Lian lao shi was talking about us sharing about our painful experiences. I dunno if I ever be ready for that. But I shared it here... I shared it here. I cried a lot but for many reasons. I cried out of sadness, out of anger but I cried the most when I hear God telling me He love me. Its the best feeling ever. Being in a new faculty and all that, I took a long time to adapt. Was really down and demoralised because I was the lousiest in art among all my classmates and I still am. Each time I feel like tearing down my art pieces and throw in the dustbin because in my opinion, it was much more fit to be in the rubbish bin than on the wall. Was really depressed... Kept feeling inferior. Kept feeling that I am really useless. Kept feeling that maybe I should not be in ADM. But God put me there and I know I have to get through it because God must have see something in me that He wanted to put me in ADM. Frankly speaking, I could not have got in ADM without God. I know I am stressed out, I was literally breaking down almost everyday and on certain days, I break down like more than 3 times. I was at my ultimate peak of despair. I never felt this useless and hopless before. If God has put me in these tough times, its means that I can deal with it. God will never give us something that we can never handle. Yet I seem to be unable to handle the weight of it all, I was really on the verge of collaspe.

I let the satan control me. I let Satan put these thoughts of uselessness in my mind. I have forgotten all about how God is beside me all the time, carrying me through tough times. Instead I drown myself in self-pity and all that. But God is merciful, He pull me out of the Satan's trap each time I fell into it. He lifted me up. God reminded me how much He loves me and that He will never abandon me. He helped me through all these obstacles. Each time God did that, I feel so touched. Never has anyone love me that much before. God is the one and only Father that love me so much that He send Jesus to die for us, for our sins. I must say I don't feel that I am worthy of such love and yet God saw something worthy in me, my frens and all the people around me that He send Jesus to die on the cross for us even before we were born. God cares, He really does and each time He reminded me of his love, its like the greatest thing on Earth. To be in God's embrace is really heavenly. It is such time that God gave me rest, he gave me hope and renewed my faith in Him.

The amount of homework in school is like increasing rather rapidly and I am always so tired after school and it seem liked I hav no life. Sometimes because of stress, I ended up quarelling with my parents. I feel really bad about it. I know its my fault but I could not help it. Sometimes I really envy Hwee Min, Ri Xin they all. They come from a christian family and they are so close with their parents. They have Christ in their family. For me, I don't. When children are stressed, they have parents to pray for them. With me it was a different case, I could not rely on my parents to pray for me or comfort me because they are not christians and I am not close with them. Sometimes I wish that one day I can sit down with my parents and together we pray, read bible and talk about God but it seem like this day would never come. I am like not a good witness of God. Look at me, I am a christian and yet I keep getting into quarells with parents during stress period. How am I going to get them to believe in God with my attitude. I know I have to change but its so tough because thats the way I response when I am stressed. And there is no way I can change my attitude with a snap of the finger.

When Mei Lian lao shi talk about acceptance today... I just couldn't help but remembering how many years it took me just to accept the fact that my parents love me. It took me like more than 5 years and during these 5 years, to jump in and out of this world of self pity, anger and sadness. I dunno when I ever be ready to share all these during sunday school class. Can tell that I am not one who share my experiences by talking face to face with people. I do it through writing. She was also talking about God collecting our tears each time we cried and that he knows. God knows. This really brought tears to my eyes because I can feel how much God cares for us, for me but at that same time it was funny because I imagine God storing my tears in washing basins instead of nice conical flask cos I cried too much. LOL.

I finally manage to pull through all that obstacles with God by my side. Now to me, I am studying for God. Thats wad I am doing and in a way, studying now seems to be more pleasant, more enjoyable. I guess one day I will share it with the rest of the da ban. I dunno when this day will come but I know when I share, haha it be super long and I cry a long the way and I think I got an inspiration liao for postcard about God collecting our tears. YEAH! Maybe I should do a series of postcards about God for my end of semester project for 2D!

I am hardly blogging nowadays. Very tired every morning, not enough sleep. Haiz~ Amount of homework is increasing rather rapidly so well... I hardly have time for anything except homework and studies but I do have time for God though. That I will make time for it. Thinking about time, I thought of S73 class reunion on Sunday at Kwokz's house, erm... Think I go for a while or sth then go home, if not I bring my stuff there to do. Tomorrow shall start doing the sculpture for 3D. Prof Suresh is a really tough teacher to communicate with. God help me on that... 3D class is really killing me!

The past few semons I had during Oikos service, well I rmb something about Min saying that we christians know how to respect God but we always or most of the time, don't have a clue about fearing God. I guess she is right, I don't have much fear of God. Actually I don't quite understand why we have to fear God. Haha So guess what I did, well... I saw this bok at Tecman saying "The joy of fearing God"... Buy it in the end. Shall start reading it and learn sth from it and then I share wad I learn here.

Yesterday, I realised that I have this very bad habit of judging a person even before I know him or her. Well, after yesterday's incident, I learn that first impression is not always correct. We really have to talk to someone and know him before we determine what kind of person he or she is. Haha... Guess that is something that I must rmb always. Met a guy from ADM yesterday at crossroads. I didn't know he is in the same class as me for Literature and Art Hostory. Haha... Same class for both these 2 modules for about a month and yet cant recognise my own classmate. LOL... Oh Did I mention that my class will be celebrating teacher's day for Wen Shing, Joan Kelly and Pam. So exciting... Shall talk more about it another day. Now shall take out homework do!!! Shall not let this workload get to me, shall trust in God that He brings me thru it all. It be tough nevertheless but still with God around, everything will be just fine. Everything will work out just fine, afterall it is God who is planning my life so it be PERFECT!

Now in Ting and Yi Hui's hostel room. I am going to sleep. Dun care liao!!! I got school tml! YAWN! Wish I am in my own bedroom, I wanna read the bible but good thing got online My upmost of his highest daily devotional. Am still thinking whether I should go for the discipleship. Ok shall go wash up now! NIGHT!

Hey I was trying to add My Utmost for His highest to "my favourites" folders and I read today's devotional and wow.. It is related to what I am going through. Haha... Its like too good to be true. This is amazing.

"God intends for us to live a well-rounded life in Christ Jesus, but there are times when that life is attacked from the outside. Then we tend to fall back into self-examination, a habit that we thought was gone. Self-awareness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of our life in God, and self-awareness continually produces a sense of struggling and turmoil in our lives. Self-awareness is not sin, and it can be produced by nervous emotions or by suddenly being dropped into a totally new set of circumstances. Yet it is never God's will that we should be anything less than absolutely complete in Him. Anything that disturbs our rest in Him must be rectified at once, and it is not rectified by being ignored but only by coming to Jesus Christ. If we will come to Him, asking Him to produce Christ-awareness in us, He will always do it, until we fully learn to abide in Him.

Never allow anything that divides or destroys the oneness of your life with Christ to remain in your life without facing it. Beware of allowing the influence of your friends or your circumstances to divide your life. This only serves to sap your strength and slow your spiritual growth. Beware of anything that can split your oneness with Him, causing you to see yourself as separate from Him. Nothing is as important as staying right spiritually. And the only solution is a very simple one- "Come to Me . . . ." The intellectual, moral, and spiritual depth of our reality as a person is tested and measured by these words. Yet in every detail of our lives where we are found not to be real, we would rather dispute the findings than come to Jesus."

" In the matter of drudgery. Peter said in this passage that we have become "partakers of the divine nature" and that we should now be "giving all diligence," concentrating on forming godly habits ( 2 Peter 1:4-5 ). We are to "add" to our lives all that character means. No one is born either naturally or supernaturally with character; it must be developed. Nor are we born with habits- we have to form godly habits on the basis of the new life God has placed within us. We are not meant to be seen as God's perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary life exhibiting the miracle of His grace. Drudgery is the test of genuine character. The greatest hindrance in our spiritual life is that we will only look for big things to do. Yet, "Jesus . . . took a towel and . . . began to wash the disciples' feet . . ." ( John 13:3-5 ).

We all have those times when there are no flashes of light and no apparent thrill to life, where we experience nothing but the daily routine with its common everyday tasks. The routine of life is actually God's way of saving us between our times of great inspiration which come from Him. Don't always expect God to give you His thrilling moments, but learn to live in those common times of the drudgery of life by the power of God.

It is difficult for us to do the "adding" that Peter mentioned here. We say we do not expect God to take us to heaven on flowery beds of ease, and yet we act as if we do! I must realize that my obedience even in the smallest detail of life has all of the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it. If I will do my duty, not for duty's sake but because I believe God is engineering my circumstances, then at the very point of my obedience all of the magnificent grace of God is mine through the glorious atonement by the Cross of Christ. "

Taken from "My Utmost for His Highest" (URL: http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php?month=06&day=15 )

Guess this is so true. My life now is indeed very routine and I can't stand it. Past 3 weeks I break down many times and feel like giving up many times but each time God was there. He was there to pick me up. When my whole world practically falls apart, when I was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted, God was there. He gave me rest. He showed me His love and I am so thankful for having such a great Father like him. Because of Him, I know I must never give up no matter how stressful and difficult this course might be at times. God put me there for a reason, its part of His nbig plan for me. No matter what I should carry on. Its tough, its tough... That I know. Actually all that happened the past 3 weeks though has really affected me a not in a bad way but now I realised that the past 3 weeks, though I thought that I was far away from God, I was wrong, God is even closer to me than before. Thinking back, I am amazed because I got to apply all the stuff that I learn from the bible the past few months to my 3 exhausting weeks. Somehow I tend to learn things the hard way... Haha... Cos they affect me more and I remember more of them each time and learn from them. I guess no matter how hard life is, it will all work out fine cos God is always there. with me now, bet He see me typing all these stuff. Haha THANK YOU GOD!!! Yuppie, shall go do homework now, have to design 100 over postcards in about 9 weeks. Must jia you liao!

Finally one week of school is over. Th weekends are here and all is spend on doing homework. I got lots of them and well... Its getting higher and higher each day. Now I have end of semester assignments. Have to start doing that too. ARGH!!! This is a killer and I mean it. Did more "X" and "O" just now but ended up falling asleep on my bed cos I was so tired! And well I stood up from my bed, I literaly fall to the floor. OUCH!!! My leg is like numb but it still hurts a little. ok Shall not blog anymore, have to go do homework!!! HELP!!! I am so busy nowadays. NO LIFE!

Its very late now... I better go sleep soon but I feel like blogging a litlle. I just gave up doing my art history homework cos I havn't finish reading the art hostory textbook yet and the qns are really tough to answer!!! Yesterday was Jing Ting's and Hui Nan's birthday! I wonder how it went? I really wonder about my birthday cos at that time everyone will be studying for their 1st semester exam. Maybe I have a mini bday celebration on my own not that I mind. If that is the case, I buy myself a really nice piece of cake and will go all the way to Esplanade and sit there and savour the cake. YUMMY! Haha... I just love Esplanade a lot when its really quiet. Love the breeze and the thing is its really accessible unlike West Coast and East Coast which is either too wu lu to go alone or just too far. Haha... Shucks!!! Better go sleep liao. Blog more another day. Night ppl!!!

These past 2 weeks has been really difficult for me and I dun think that the next few weeks will be better. I am like breaking down almost everyday. This is not me... This is so not me. Have to keep telling myself to snap out of it.

I can't stand it anymore God, God help me. I can't do it alone. I definitely can't and I know I am getting worse each day physically, emotionally and spiritually. ARGH!!! I wish I can just be more open and tell my church frens about it. I have fallen down on my knees and picking myself again knowing that this is the way that God wants me to walk is so tough. I wish I tell my church frens, I definitely do need them by my side but I just can't seem to tell them. God, I bet the adults will be wondering wads wrong with me cos I suddenly burst into tears and said I wanna go toilet and its just so frustrating. Why did I cry... I guess I can't contain my tears. I always can't control that. But really thankful that Min and Ophe came to look for me after that which made me cry even harder. I wish I can just to some place with God now. Just Him and me and for once... leave everything that is happening on Earth. Guess my entry dun make sense to many people cos they dunno wad is happening to me now. Shall go to sleep... Wanna have a long prayer with God.

YEAH! I finally finished my abstract art picture. Haha Its about... Cedric trying to pull out the dog's hair when he is young and me stopping both the dog and Cedric with a ball. For those loking at the picture... Well, if you don't understand the picture, its alright. Its ABSTRACT ART! Haha... Tough to understand. Have to think of an explanation for the black cum a bit white background. Wow... I really crap a lot come to think of it. Haha... Its more like think of an explanation after finishing the picture instead of thinking of the meaning and then drawing it out.



Have to go watch the video casette tape "Pierrot Le Fou". Its a french film, I have to write a review on it. Haiz~ Have to print my photographs later. ARGH! Wads wrong with the printer, the colour it prints out is more like gray. Lousy printer... Maybe the colour ink is almost used up. Maybe! Time t do some printing. Need it for tomorrow's FDN130 (3D Design and volume workshop) makeup lesson!

Oh I almost to say this. JING TING IS BACK! FINALLY! I MISS HER! HAVN'T SEEN OR TALK TO HER IN MONTHS!!! Haha... Yoz JT, if you are reading this, lets meet up and erm... go shopping (not tat I hav any money)... Oh well, but I kinda need more clothes for uni life cos everyday go school. Let me make a summary on when I am free.

Mon- free after 230

Tues- free after 430

Wed- free after 430

Thurs- free after 330

Fri- free after 230

Basically my mornings are all taken up for studio work except on monday which is the official every student in Art, Design & Media dun hav studio work unless of course... There is make up lesson on that day. Well that is a different case. Haha... Ok Time to get the printer up and running!

I feel like I am forgotten or invisible or something. During 4D class, my teacher, Wen-Shing went to each and every student and collected our personal file. She also asked question about our skills and all that... Somehow I was forgotten. She didnt come to me to get the file or anything. I ended up walking to her and handed her the filr and left for break with the others. I feel really sad, am I so invisible? These few days have been hard on me but it seems even harder as time passed. Really down. I feel I am really lousy at art... It just that as compared to the rest, I like the lowest standard of all. Looking at the other works of my classmates, I really feel like just crushing my paper or wadever I have done and just throw it away. It is not up to the standard that I can even out my work beside theirs. I really have to sort out my thinking and work 5 times as hard just to catch up. I really want to catch up. I love my room, its where I retreat to everyday and reflect. My mood each day is like a roller coaster... its really high in the morning but it drop all the way down as the day progresses. TOUGH. Wish I can just talk to someone but oh well... nvm... shall not bother talking about it, afterall no one online for me to chat and even if they online, dun think they have time to lend a listening ear. Everyone is just so busy nowadays.

I had my first lesson today. HL101: Introduction to the study of literature. It was ok. Never knew that when reading short stories, u really really have to think a lot!!! Good thing we had the lecture notes, it did guide us but wow... The literature cher, Neil Murphy is really GOOD! Wow... If only I can think like him. Haha He told us to learn how to spell the word "chrysanthemums" properly... and to spell the author's name "D.H Lawrence" correctly too. LOL... Now I know why it is call "Odour of the chrysanthemums" but I dun really know how to express it in words... Erm...

I rmb that I told God to let me meet some christian frens during my 4 years course in ADM and wow I just realised that this girl I befriend from day 1 is actually a christian. She is Justina. I only found out she was a christian when we talked about the cca we wanna join. She joined Crusade for Christ... I think I got the name right. She asked me if I wanted to join but I dunno... They be focusing more on evangelism. Erm... Evangelism... Haiz I dunno. I wanna join Dance, I wanna be part of the work and study programme, I wanna be part of the ADM club. I want this, I want that... WAD A HEADACHE!!! I wish God can tell me which he want me to take up or take up none at all. Wish he start closing all these doors of opportunities and leave the door that we wants me to go through open. Really sometimes a simple thing as choosing which cca to do is really tough and if I dun rely on God but rely on myself, I am sure I end up making choices that I may regret later. Haha... That is the lesson that I learn in the bible yesterday. Wad can I say... God really has a way of teaching me things and letting me learn how to apply them. God is the BEST ever!

The reason why I wanted to work is well... Ok I must admit $12 per hour is really high and well I really dun wan my parents to keep paying for my transport fee or anything. I wanna pay for my piano lesson and transport fee and school miscellanous fee on my own. Its too taxing on them if I get them to pay for everything. Laptop is already very ex and so is my art materials! Sometimes I really feel guilty for asking my parents for money for everything. Well, I am only given $20 per week and the amt that my mother gives me for food is $3 or $4 per day. Unless I skip lunch which I always do, I cant think of a better way to get extra $. The only opportunity now is this work and study programme. Haiz~ Wad should I do God? Which day should I work and for how long???

I have to be more hardworking now! I want to be. Cannot waste my 4 years in ADM! God put me here to learn skills that can help me in using my spiritual gifts more effectively. ADM (Arts, Design & Media) and my spiritual gifts: craftsmanship and creative communication, are all related. Wanna use this gift and do God's work. Want God to use me. That reminds me of a question that my application bible got me thinking yesterday "How serious are you about God using you?"Its really a good qns to ponder on. Just how serious am I, I really dunno. Should not let my fear stop me from wanting God to use me. Have to step out of comfort zone, its tough but I guess its really worth it. For God, its really worth it...