Was in a bad mood just now. Had a quarrel with my mum over the hp, totally destroyed my happy mood. Each time I get angry and sad, I cant help but think of my past... My family was quite a broken one in the sense that everyday there be fights and quarrels. And I just cant help but remembering how badly it affected me. I remembered once my brother quarrelled with me, he ended up scolding me words like bitch, e F word and saying tat I am not his sister and thru out the whole time, all I did was sat there, not a word from my mouth and my mum scolded him for like 5mins after which he left home to meet his frens. Wad hurt me most was not only the words tat my brother said , but also the fact tat my mother scolded me after that and I did was cried, not a word. It really hurts to be called useless and worthless and to be said to behave worse than an animal. My mum blamed me for the outcome of the family, said it was my attitude tat caused the family to be broken. Said that if I changed my behaviour, my brother wont be like tat. WADS HAS IT GOT TO DO WITH ME, ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT!!! ITS NOT!!!

They have always pampered him since young till now. To top it off, they loved him more than me. Isn't tat bad enough already. His bad temper isnt my fault... His behaviour hasnt got anything to do with me!!! I just kept on recalling all the other things tat happened in the past. It hurts a not... maybe its cos I never had anyone to be there for me physically when it happened and cos of that I never told anyone wad happened, I just keep it locked inside me. All the things that troubled me each day just got more and more. Sometimes I really wished there was someone beside me, just a shoulder to cry on but I guess there wasnt any. There were only 2 times when I had my fren standing by me. But they werent there pshyically, just thru hp and msn. They are JT and si xiu. Each time such thing happened to me, all I did was cried. Guess tat is wad I grew up learning.

I just cant seemed to forget all these hurtful stuffs from promary school to now. Remebered how sad and how tough it was to hold back my tears each time the teachers in school talk about family and all tat and when church teachers discuss about such stuffs. All I did was ren, ren re, dun cry, cun cry, dun break down which even now as I typed, I had already broken down in tears. I was so upset that I cried the whole bus journey home from church. I remebered staring out the bus wondow and I saw trees and light. I feel like a small tree and that there are many many large trees tryin to kill me, trying to stop me from growing, from moving out. But each time, there was light, light passing thru the gaps in between the other trees' leaves. Light was like hope, like God. Each time I remembered these sad stuffs, only one person was there for me. It was God. Some may asked how I knew it was Him. I dunno how to explain it but all I know is I felt His presence and His love. I knew it was Him and I know at the moment that no matter how bad things are, He will always be there for me, loving me for who I am even when others may scolded me useless or worthless but in His eyes, it was not way. I am His child and tat He loved me forever. God's love is just so great, no terms, no conditions. It was given freely, so complete and pure that I cried even harder knowing that even how imperfect I am, God still love me all the same.

Maybe that is why I cant seemed to forget each unhappy event cos at the end of every unhappiness, there is God. God made me stronger and more confident, more ready to move on and take on any challenges tat come my way. Tat is why I believed in Him and never want to leave Him. Partly upset over wad happen each time, but in the end, I be happier. Happier cos I leearn more about God and His ways each time, happier cos I know tat He will never leave me and Happier cos I know each time He loves me.