*|Sadness and anger
Damn irritated... cant even type in peace. My father staring at the screen. Cant u all just leave me alone and let me be. I am so pissed. Very upset. My mother broke her promise. She told me that once I clear my "going to be mine" bedroom, she removed the photocopy machine but today she said that the photocopy machine will remain in the room cos there is no space in the living room. Like there is any space in my bedroom. WADS THE PT OF GETTING MY OWN BEDROOM WHEN THERE ARE 2 FREAKING BIG CUPBOARD WHICH I CANT REMOVE, A STUPID "OUT OF THE PLACE" PHOTOCOPY MACHINE TAT HAS TO REMAIN IN THE ROOM, A DOUBLE BUNK BED WHICH I CANT PLACED AGAINST THE DAMN BLOODY WALL EVEN THOUGH THERE IS A LOT OF SPACE COS IT IS, IN MY MOTHER'S OPINION, OBSTRUCTING HER FROM CLEANING THE BLOODY WINDOW, A TABLE THAT I WILL HAVE TO USE WHICH IS AS SMALL AS THE CLASSROOM DESK COS THEY DUN WAN TO WASTE $ BUYING A NEW TABLE FOR ME. Wad kind of room is this. Is it even MINE!!! I hate it. I want my own room. A room filled with my things, a room which I wanna decorated myself, a room which I can hide in in times of sadness and anger, a room that I wanna call my own. This room is not mine... dun hav my things, dun hav my style. It is not mine. Wad kind of badroom is it if I cant even relate to the things inside. IT IS NOT MY ROOM. I always dun get the things I want...
When I was young I wanted to learn piano, I wasnt allowed to. When I was young, I wanted to learn to dance, I wasnt given the opportunity. Now I just want my own bedroom, my very own, one that I lock myself in and cry my heart out when I am sad and NO I DUN GET IT. I ALWAYS ALWAYS DUN GET THE THINGS I WANT! Things tat mattered to me like music and dance. Things I wanted so much. They are my passion and just like my room I am not allowed to have them my way, my style. Now I regret not fighting it out ... regret not fighting for a chance to learn music, to do arts, to learn to dance. Now when I am older, I want to major in the performing arts, media area and I dun hav a skill in it. I regret not fighting for it cos it means a lot to me and my future. Now I dun think I ever get it...I am so useless. I cant even have my very bedroom, a room that I call my own. All I hav is a cold, unfeeling room, one tat is not mine (I dun mean it in a physical sense). Even such simple stuff, I cant even get wad I wanted, wad I desire. I dun even hav to mention life which I cant control at all.
I hate my life. I hate hate living my days not knowing wad is ahead of me. I know wad I want to be but yet I know I can never have it. I can never achieve it. All it can be is a dream. Tats all... It never be reality. I hate this world... everything needs money. Money was the reason y I cant learn piano. It is the reason partly why I cant learn to dance. It is also the partly why I cant get my own bedroom with my own taste and style. I hate money. I hate life!
But to say the truth... Wad I want most is still to be with God. Nth matters as much as this.
*|cailing scribbled on the sand at 11:38 PM|*
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